


10 Things I Hate About Titans

by MirandaFandomette



Category: 10 Things I Hate About You (1999), Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: 90s, Alternate Universe - High School, F/F, French Jean Kirstein, M/M, near Seattle au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-03
Updated: 2017-10-31
Packaged: 2018-12-23 09:16:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 39,941
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11986788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MirandaFandomette/pseuds/MirandaFandomette
Summary: Hey,Jean here. This isn't supposed to be read by anyone besides me and I think that I, myself, won't find such activity so enjoyable... to be honest. I mean, from now on, this will be yet another boring teenager « 3615 my life » (it's a french expression) (maybe it was english in the first place because « mylife » ?) (I think it comes from the minitel.) (Who uses that crap anymore?)=> This fic is a retelling of the movie 10 Things I Hate About You in the form of a diary written by a French dude with SNK characters and the main couples being both gay because everything needs more gay. Enjoy!





	1. No legacy is so rich as honesty

Hey, Jean here. This isn't supposed to be read by anyone besides me and I think that I, myself, won't find such activity so enjoyable... to be honest. I mean, from now on, this will be yet another boring teenager « 3615 my life » (it's a French expression) (maybe it was english in the first place because « mylife » ?) (I think it comes from the minitel.) (Who uses that crap anymore?)

So allow me to explain. I'm French and I just moved with my mother from France to Trost (near Seattle). (It's because of her job and it's supposed to be a true opportunity for me even if in America, the country of LIBERTY, I'm not likely to go to college at all because money... well it will prevent me from wasting my time because in France, you can go to college but just try to get a job after that ahah). Ahah... I applied for some scholarship I'm sure I won't get and I'm a bit nervous right now but soon I'll be a sunshine of happiness.

So, America meant american High School for me (like in John Hughes movies) (except nobody is as hot as they are). And like, my english isn't so good when I speak... and my behaviour either but like people are so weird here trying to explain everything you do with cheap psychological knowledge... they somehow think my « bad » behaviour is linked to my inability to clearly and spontaneously speak my mind here and so Mr Zoe, high school guidance counselor, decided it would be good for me to start writing a diary in english to learn to express myself without punching people with my pouch... and bag... and shoes... and that weird tool from workshop class. Come on I won't use my hands on that Yeager dude, this would make me dirty.

So here we are with me trying to think about something interesting to write. Maybe I should talk about my conflict with Yeager. It started in english literature class. We were studying _To Kill a Mockingbird_ of course because I guess it makes white people feel good about themselves to read about bad white people from the past being assholes... and one white dude they totally relate to being great (by the way I'm white so feel free to say that I'm not legit to talk on those subjects) (who am I kidding? Nobody will read this!) (or I hope not... Mom... if you read this, yes I was masturbating that day you came to my room! You're happy now ! Great, c'est TERRIBLEMENT EMBARRASSANT ! For the BOTH OF US ! Donc arrête d'en parler à chaque fois qu'on a des invités).

So back to _Mockingbird._ Teacher Ackermann (black dude) is very salty about it and Yeager was all : « I would have done it! I believe in justice! » « It’s historically accurate that there were some white allies during Civil Rights Movement and stuff! » « Not all whites!» and other shits. And I was like : « Dude, be honest, if you have and advantage, you just keep it and struggle to keep it because life sucks without adding more suffering for other people! » I don't know if I would have been a hero under those circumstances but his attitudes just pissed me off! So hypocritical...

So I think I might have been a bit provocative and so we argued and Ackermann expelled us both, sending us to the guidance counselor office. He said « at least you were being honest, Jean. Your French slave masters ancestors would have been proud ». I said: « It's not likely, slavery is an american thing. » but I said it ironically... because we totally had slavery too! But it pissed off both Ackermann and Yeager and so I have extra homework with my lovely compadre white savior Finch and during detention, Yeager and I started fighting because he called me « cockface ». It wasn't very mature, from either of us. But like, cockface is my nickname and I hate it.

Cock is like another word to say dick (SO MANY WORDS TO SAY DICKS dudes ! I think native english speakers should question their language about that) and cock is also a name for « rooster » and rooster is our national French symbol. I didn't know that a cock was also a dick and stupid dudes from football team (not the real football, the american football by the way) (by the way bis, the name of Trost High School Team is « the Titans »... I think they're kinda overestimating themselves). So those stupid dudes tricked me with that. They sat with me one day at lunch like: « Hey, you're from France right? » And I was like: « Yeah... whatever ». And they were like: « What's your name again? » and me: « It's Jean. » and them: « Man, it's so hard to pronounce! We should find you a nickname. Like... your national animal symbol for example? What is it again? » And innocent and naive me: « a cock? » and everyone started laughing and I had no clue why and so, from this day, everyone calls me « cockface ». High school sucks man!

Anyway, I should stop writing because shitty american football assholes are around, if they see me with the diary my mother bought (those you offer to little girls as birthday gifts with flowers on the cover and a heartshaped lock) they will try to get it and will read it outloud. Better start looking at them with my killer look. 

* * *

 

Hey, It's me again. I have something to add to the reasons why I hate Yeager so deeply. That's a bit of a risky move from me so because fakefootball assholes are likely to use this against me if they find my diary so I'm gonna try to write as badly as possible. Shitty handwriting here we go! See, Yeager's always with that girl, Mikasa, who does fantastic in sport class and like... I kinda wish I was her and at the same time I had a wet dream about her. I mean, wet dreams aren't to be taken seriously, like I always have wet dreams about my mortal enemies (yes that includes Yeager) (and I hate him I don't secretely love him) so I don't know if it means I'm in love with her but I think she's overall great. Always calm and classy and so strong ! And Damn! Those abs... I tried to compliment her on her abs but it ended out sounding pretty offensive I think (about her being exotic... Jean you suck!). My brain was blank at the moment because she's so awesome! But anyway, she didn't seem to mind it because all she seems to think about is Eren. Like it's the word she says the most. And he's always like: « piss off Mikasa! » He doesn't appreciate her devotion...

Well ok, to be honest, her devotion is creepy and I'd be scared if someone acted the same with me but still, I think it's a shitty behaviour from Yeager. I think I'd be nicer if someone weirdly loved me this way, acting motherly with me and always trying to protect me from troubles I'm putting myself into...

Okay, writing this I'm starting to notice a weird parallel with me speaking... well, not always very politely to my mother. But I'm not as awful as Yeager is to Mikasa to her... and like, she knows I erm... appreciate the fact that she gave me birth and raised me without making me pay for my father who is an asshole by the way... well she raised me well I guess because shitty behaviour comes from me, not her... well... well... Okay I'm embarrassing myself but I've decided this diary would be a way to confront myself. Be honest Jean! But say it in german because it's really embarrassing (I'm from Lorraine, I learnt german before english in middle school) MEINE MUTTER IST DIE BESTE! Okay, it's said. Now I know I'm better than Yeager because he would never be able to admit that Mikasa is basically DIE BESTE while I'm able to do it with my mother.

* * *

 

Rereading this I feel like I should just stop watching Yeager. It's creepy. But the guy has great friends and isn't even aware of it. Without them, he would just be like me; a lone idiot always getting himself in trouble because he's unable to hold his tongue. Besides Mikasa there's the token gay dude of this high school who always hangs out with him. Blond petite dude with glasses... it's not really as if he was like... « token gay » like teen movies token gays, very effeminate and all, but that's usually the first thing people say about him here. I'm « cockface ». He's « the gay guy ». I think it's because he's very open about it. During history class, he once said history books should now include the fact that the government was responsible for the death of millions of people because Aids was considered as a rightful punishment for gay people being gays. And he was expelled from Ackermann's class several time for similar reasons but I almost never hear exactly what he says because I'm always expelled first.

But like, last time he commented on the choice to study Shakespeare's _Romeo and Juliet_. Armin raised his hand and Ackermann was like: «yeah, you have something to say Mr I have an opinion on everything?» and Armin was like: « I know century of heteronormativity made us read _Romeo and Juliet_ as the epitome of male/female love but for once, if I may, could we just try to acknowledge in our study that the work of Shakesqueer includes lots of homerotic subtext... if not just text? » And then it escalated quickly... Because I don't know if I'm bringing justice to him but Armin was being very polite and he had a point but somehow, he ended up expelled before me for once. I think I kinda liked it... But why does he hang out with Yeager? Just... why? This is so weird.

* * *

 

Okay, you know who's weird in fact? This new dude I don't quite know... what's his name already? He mentioned it. Something like... Amir? Boromir?... he and bald boy (Springer?) entered workshop class and just came to me and I turned to them like: « yeah? What do you want? » and they were like: «Yeah, excuse me, we just wanted to... » and then they just ran away.

Who does that?!!

* * *

 

Okay... I understand now, Saint Freckled Jesus Teacher Pet Marco (I shouldn't be so mean, he's one of the only persons talking to me casually) just explained that they ran away because I was holding a drill and it was on and I kinda pierced their clear file with it but how was I supposed to notice? The drill was very noisy and I was focusing on hearing what they were saying.

* * *

 

Still don't know what they want tho, I don't know them!

* * *

 

Man do I love workshop class, it's the only one where everything is so messy that I can smoke peacefully. I feel like nobody smokes here. In France basically everybody does... like it's almost a social stigma if you don't. Of course we can't smoke in the classes but during each break, talking and smoking in front of the portal is a social thing!

* * *

 

Marco just took my cigarette, extinguished it (is that the word?) and gave it back to me without a word. Man the dude is serious. He told me the one with the LOTR elfic name (Elendir? Haldir?) was actually a girl. Guess Armin isn't the only token gay anymore. But maybe she isn't... maybe she's just tomboyish het like in teen movies and she will fall for the shy weak nerd. My mother watch too many of those movies.

* * *

 

Okay, I confess, it's me who watch too many teen movies. Don't judge me! (Eheh you won't because shitty handwriting is back) (meheheheh).

* * *

 

Hey, me again (who else could it be? Duh!)... Did I mention who was the king of the dickheads in the not-real-football team? His name's Reiner. He's huge... and talks a lot about farts. His favorite game lately is to tell me to surrender. I think he will get tired of it... eventually, he always does, but like, I never noticed there were so many occasion to make surrender jokes before being the target of those. Like, last time in PE class when he play dodgeball (yeah we do) (so cliché!) he was like: « SURRENDER FRENCHIE! I'M GERMANY! » I was like: « You know that makes you the Nazi. » and he was like: « well you also hid yourself in your trench during WWI… without us, no France anymore. » I was about to ask if he was Germany or the USA since he said « us » but he didn’t let me and hit my face with a ball. It was all red man and my nose still hurts! (I think he considers himself as Germany though)(I think his name is actually german)(but Yeager is as well) (lotta german migrants in the area I guess).

In the locker room, I always try not to be too fast (suspicious) nor too long (because it means you’re asking for trouble) but this time, I wanted to got my nose checked at the infirmary he was like: « You running away cockface? That would make your ancestors proud! ». Another fine example of his refined sense of humor; during Computer Life Skills class (do we really need those ? I mean it should be a class for old people! What kind of middle class 18 years old doesn't know how to use computers?) Reiner said we should download all our programs in French because it will run faster. During earth science class, Mr. Zacharias said that because of radiations from the sun, american flags on the moon were now white and Reiner: « great, now it looks like the French went there (dude... our flag isn't white)... and ran away as fast as possible. » In history class, we mentioned the motto of the US army and Reiner said: « the motto of the french army is « stop, drop, run »? Am I right Frenchie? »

During lunch today, I tried not to pay attention to the not-playing-real-football-so-called-Titans but they were saying terrible things about Historia, a very popular girl who happens to be Armin's sister (to everyone's surprise). So Historia was passing by with a friend and a jerk from Reiner cohort (my bet on Daz, he's the stupidest one...) said: « Virgin Alert! » And Reiner said to Historia and her bestie... (Sasha if I remember right... she's one of the popular ones so like... people talk about her, not like the... Casimir dudegirl): « Looking good, ladies » And Franz (the one who's always lickin' his girlfriend's face): « She's outta reach, even for you. » And asshole Reiner: « No one's out of reach for me! » (MASSIVE ASSHOLE) (LIKE... THEY'RE PEOPLE YOU KNOW) And... was it Thomas or Nac? Can't remember: « You wanna put money on that? » And number one asshole: « Money I've got. This I'm going to do for fun. »

Reiner noticed I was listening and stopped talking, he came to my table and said: «Bonjoooouuurrr, ya cheese-eatin' surrender monkey! Got a question for ya! What's the difference between french fries and american fries? » And not so innocent and naive me having enough of this shit and taking my sausage out of my plate to hold it as my penis (Yes that wasn't very mature): FRENCH FRIES COME WITH HUGE BRATWURST! I KNOW YOU LIKE TO EAT THOSE SINCE YOU'RE GERMAN!!!! And that's kinda why I ended up here, waiting in front of Mr Zoe's office. And

* * *

 

Okay... sorry for the interruption! So after complimenting me on writing my diary, Zoe noticed that it didn't seem to help so much but « from acorns grow oak trees. » Then he said: « I see we're making our visits a weekly ritual... if not daily. » and I was like: « Only so we can have these moments together. We should definitely switch off the lights! I have Sinatra's best hits on my walkman. His voice is like honey in your ears.» He was like: « you definitely have weird tastes for someone your age rooster boy. Says here you exposed yourself in the cafeteria? » And me: « I was just joking. It was a bratwurst. » And he was like: « Bratwurst? Aren't we the optimist? Next time, keep it in your pouch, okay? »

I think overall I really like to talk with this advisor dude. Okay, he believes in shitty psychology books but he's witty and like my mother, he doesn't take my crap seriously. That's relaxing.

* * *

 

Just ran away from English class. But I stayed near it. This was and is still wild! That Armin dude is wild! And Mr. Ackermann is even wilder! So, I got there after my appointment at Mr Zoe's office and I was like: « What did I miss? » and Armin was like: « The oppressive systemic patriarchal heteronormative values that dictate our education. » And I was like: « Good... » and I left the room which was immediately followed by Reiner screaming: « Running away Cockface? More like Chicken Face! » and immediately, I heard Ackermann saying: « Some day you're gonna get bitch-slapped and I'm not gonna do a thing to stop it. » I don't know what he meant by « bitch » slaped... but erm, I guess he took my defence and I can appreciate it. Especially coming from him.

Ackermann added: « and Armin, I want to thank you for your point of view. I know how difficult it must be for you to overcome all those years of upper middle class suburban oppression. It must be tough. You know, I think we're very lucky to have all those gay closeted white men in literature. Next time you storm around the PTA crusading for it to be written in black and white in their biographies, just ask why we never study books written by black men. » Hearing white rasta dudes approving but Ackermann replies: « Don't even get me started on you two! » Armin (sounding pissed and even a bit rude this time): « all fights aren't incompatible, have you ever heard of intersectionality? Angela Davi... » Man! Ackermann blowing up (literally): « You're not the one who's gonna teach me about Angela Davis! You go to the office! » and Armin: « But... »

Shit he's coming. Gotta hide you!

* * *

 

So... Armin got expelled. He saw me and walked faster. I got up and ran after him:

I: Hey... what you said wasn't so bad actually. I mean... I guess he has his reasons and you were kinda acting like a condescending white scholar with him but...

He: Thanks a lot Djeen...

I: That's Jean.

He: Thanks a lot John, but I don't think I have anything to learn from someone who uses both homophobic and germanophobic humor to fight against, I admit, terrible anti-French jokes.

I: Oh... you saw the sausage joke... erm... that was... yeah... Oh! Come on man! I wanted to compliment you for being so... engaged and I mean wisely engaged. Not like your friend Yeager... why are you always with him by the way? You're together... together? Not that I have anything against it...

He: Yeah... I know. You're not homophobic but you're not one of those fags! Also... your pink diary is very pretty. Love the flowers.

And he left before I could answer: AND I HAVE NOTHING TO LEARN FROM SOMEONE BEING BOTH SEXIST AND HOMOPHOBIC HIMSELF!

But he heard and screamed back: I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SAY FAG! I'M GAY!!!

I think I like him. Definitely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, welcome! First fic in English, on ao3 and first chapter! I'm very excited! Hope you'll like it! So... I'm obviously also French so probably mistakes remaining... writing this as a diary written by a French dude was a strategy. See :P Thanks to the wonderful goodguyjean tho because she reread my stuff to make the native sound native and she helped me for american refs and provided lotta anti-French jokes for this chapter. (Not that she's anti-French herself) (obviously since she's basically the best) (go check her fics)  
>  So if you're familiar with the movie you might notice I included direct quotes from the movies and other slightly modified to fit the context. It will change a little also since it's a very gay story so being out or not will be important as well.  
>  The cast is:  
>  Jean as Patrick  
>  Armin as Kat (being gay activist instead of hyper feminist)  
>  Historia is Bianca  
>  Ymir is Cameron  
>  Hange is Mrs Perky (I gendered them male but I think they're closeted trans woman in this universe)  
>  Levi is Mr. Morgan  
>  Erwin is Mr. Stratford  
>  Reiner is Joey  
>  Connie is Michael  
>  Sasha is a mix between Chastity and Mandella  
>  And Marco is a clean version of the punk dude who hangs out with Patrick in the movie… kinda…  
>  And Mikasa and Eren are here... because I didn't want to write an Armin without Eren and Mikasa.  
>  If you want to see I've drawn some stuff linked to the 10 things I hate about you/SNK crossover here. (some scenes were drawn before writing them so it will be a bit different in the fic).


	2. We know what we are but know not what we may be

So, you may have noticed (and I'm not taking lotta risks by saying that since you're basically nobody) but my sense of humor isn't what one can call « subtle » so, today, something fun happened.

I shouldn't find this fun since it was Reiner's joke I think but the fact that Connie Springer (one of the guys who tried to talk with me and I drilled their clear files) spend an entire day with a dick drawn on his face cracked me up a bit. But I tried not to show. I must act as if I'm way beyond this childish jokes.

(In fact I'm not).

(Even Reiner farts jokes make me laugh sometimes.)

(I'm a terrible human being.)

(Feel guilty for Connie. Like it's Marco who was nice enough to tell him or just to answer when he asked: « I have a dick on my face don't I? » during their meeting at the nerd club (they're supposed to organize mathletics and awful obsessed-with-competition-american-nerds-stuff but mostly they play d&d. I think I should try and join them one day, seems fun.))

(That Amdir gal is definitely an asshole not telling her bro he has a penis drawn on his face tho).

(But I totally understand).

 

* * *

 

We walked right between Reiner's car (everyone's driving here, that's so weird... but distances are huge I must say... like it's almost legit to take your car just to take out the trash) and the bus with Marco and I felt like number one ass was looking at me. He hadn't bothered me for a while with stupid french jokes. Don't know what he has in mind. I kinda liked the music played in his car so I asked what it was saying. I heard: « ass, ass baby. » Marco told me I wasn't so far from the truth but he didn't tell me what it really said.  Sucks. I want to hear that ass song again.

 

* * *

 

I said Reiner hadn't bothered me for a while but it's quite the contrary with Yeager. Maybe Armin talked to him about our encounter and he wants to protect his BF. We fight all the time. I must say I'm usually the one lighting the fire but he's so quick to respond... and I must say he pisses me off all the time without wanting to... He's just being himself and that's enough. Bastard's so lucky he doesn't realize. And so stupid! Nuances don't exist in Yeager's world. He's like a little boy.  

Just today, we had a debate in class about death sentence and he was (as always) very enthusiastic with comments like: « DID YOU THINK ABOUT NAZIS? AND PEDOPHILES? »

I didn't even have to say a word, I just made a gun with my fingers and virtually shooted myself.

Asshole Yeager: « What is it Jean?

Asshole Me: « I think we've had enough with death sentence! What about euthanasia? Like sometimes I wonder why it is forbidden because it really could be of some help for me right now! »

Yeager: « I'd gladly help. »

And we were expelled... yet again.

We developed strategies in detention to « stand » each other's presence. Like we always take strictly opposite seats. We regularly switch places, so that we can get one after the other the better view which is the window. Because we stare at opposite directions to not cross each other's eyes. It's a silent mutual agreement.  

Today, Yeager's got the window. Lucky bastard!

 

* * *

 

Armin just rejoined us followed by Mikasa. I heard him say:

« We actually started a debate on euthanasia. It's «  don't ask don't tell », I should know by now. »

 

* * *

 

_Dear mother,_

_Your subtle comment on the quality of my handwriting has been heard even tho a good caligraphy doesn't help getting a job like when you were young, at the time Queen Victoria wore black (yet again). We have computers now so it's perfectly useless but see how well I form my letters to please you and making perfectly clear that_ THIS IS PRIVATE! ARRÊTE DE LIRE MON JOURNAL MAMAN !!!

* * *

 

Oh ! That's very mature mom! Underlining all my mistakes now! Wow! I'm impressed! 

* * *

  

Mom, I left my diary for you to read one last time but it's becoming embarrassing. Stop already! I know you need to practice your english as well but doing so by reading what I write isn't the best idea!

* * *

 

_**Jeanjean, à propos de cette chanson « ass ass baby », I was just thinking... maybe what Marco was implying is that Reiner was fond of asses himself. That is to say homosexual? Just sayin'...** _

* * *

 

What Marco was implying is that the song wasn't saying « ass ass » but « ice ice » which is pretty close... to french ears I guess.

* * *

 

Au fait, maman, almost everybody has an anus and thus, has the potential to enjoy anal sex. It's not a gay thing. Ass is not a gay thing at all!

* * *

 

**_Tu es sûr Jeanjean? I never considered it butt..._ **

* * *

 

MAMAN !! I didn't want to know that!

* * *

 

_**It was a joke. I wrote « but » with two « t »! See, I'm making american puns!** _

* * *

 

Whatever mom... 

* * *

 

AHAH ! New notebook to write my real thoughts in, I'll let fake notes on the other one. I've started to imagine an awful story about drugs. I wonder how long it's gonna take her to figure it out.

So, back to my very interesting life (I'm not even being ironic, some crazy shit happened lately):

I was right, he had something in mind. We were trying to smoke in peace under the bleachers (at least I was and Marco came along because he's a nice dude and even outsiders like me sometimes need company), when Reiner joined us with his cohort. They really look like a herd of oxen so I gave them my placid cowboy stare. Reiner immediately asked me if I needed to fart. I guess it was him being friendly but it's still a bit upsetting considering the time it took me to perfect this look. I ignored him.

And then he tried being friendly like: « I saw that the french team won what you call football... like... Soccer World cup... that was great. » (And it happened last year... dude, you're so 1998).

And I was like, blowing my smoke right to his face like french actress in black and white who always seem bored by life in old movies: « Do I know you ? »

 Reiner seemed « slightly annoyed » but he restrained himself and I understood he really needed me.

« See that dude? » he said.

He was pointing at Armin who just stopped doing anything sport related halfway through and just sat in the middle of the field screaming: « You can't force me to do those humiliating things! It's against the first amendment! And many others! I'm now protesting against yadi yada. »

I was watching him from the very beginning of the class (which I was skipping for some obvious reasons despite Marco trying to convince me that it would be good for my smoker's dark lungs to exercise a bit).

« That's Armin Smith. I want you to go out with him. »

I: « Yeah sure. »

I laughed and then I met Marco's eyes and he seemed very uncomfortable.

Reiner said: « Look, I can't take out his sister, until he starts dating. You see, their dad's whacked out. He's got this rule...

Marco explained to me later that to prevent his popular attractive daughter to date, he invented this rule about the fact that as long as the older brother wasn't dating anyone, the younger sister wouldn't have the right to go out with dudes either. He knew perfectly that dating someone of the same gender openly in high school is like merely impossible! And the worst father of the year award goes to MR. SMITH! Marco was trying to excuse his behaviour like: « You know, it's because he's a widower, he's afraid of losing them. » No shit Sherlock! Being a dick to them isn't the best way to keep your children around you.

Anyway, back to Reiner. I answered: « That's a touching story. It really is. Not my problem. »

And then the dude dared to say: « Would you be willing to make it your problem if I provide generous compensation ? »

What? What? WHATWHATWHAT?

« You're going to pay me to take out Armin? »

Reiner: « Well, I assumed that since you were French, you were probably into anything sexually but if you need extra motivation, I can provide it. »

AHAHAHAHAH!

What?

Into anything sexually?

Me? Bisexual?

I actually never asked myself such question. Which probably means that I am heterosexual.

But like, my reputation wasn't like... so important. Like it couldn't be worse so the fact that I date a dude wouldn't change anything I think. I thought about the fact that my mother could barely afford lunch money... that I stopped using on lunch anyway to spend it on cigarettes. I made a choice. And yes I felt guilty about it since my mother believed I stopped smoking since we arrived in Trost. Some extra money would be really welcome. (See that's why writing is awful here, if she find this notebook and understands what's written I'm dead.) (More likely she will give me a disappointed look.)(No I think she'll do worse, she will try to understand and to talk with me. Oh god please No!)

I said: « How much? »

Reiner said: « Twenty bucks. »

TWENTY! AHAH! NOPE!

I said: « Twenty? Ahah! Nope! »

We paused for a second, looking at Armin who started to tie himself to the flag mast. Screaming about the constitution and his sole duty to devote his heart to release humanity from the PE class and physical performance oppression etc.

« Fine, thirty » Reiner said.

I just remained silent, smoking as slowly as I could to look like Humphrey Bogart (this guy make his cigarettes last so long, it's impressive!).

Reiner finally said: « Okay, 50 and we've got a deal. »

I took his money, and now I feel like I should have asked for more.

Okay, now, let's try to talk with Armin now that everyone leaves the field to shower.

Marco kinda left me alone on this. He asked:

« You're really gonna do this? »

« I took the money. » I answered.

He seemed disappointed but didn't answered to this. He just took my third cigarette and said:

« He hates smokers! » Then he left me alone. What am I gonna do?

I really should have asked for more.

 

* * *

 

Actually, I think the biggest problem isn't my heterosexuality, that I can work on it, but the fact that I hate Yeager and that Yeager hates me.

* * *

 

My conscience is telling me stuff that would probably make Armin very happy: « You shouldn't have started smoking! You idiot! »  

* * *

 

The fuck am I doing?! What will I say to him? How do you gay flirt? Are there different codes? Like I don't even know how to flirt normally... with girls!!

* * *

 

I'm sure Armin would be annoyed by the fact that I consider flirting with girls the « normal » kind of flirt. I think I know how to handle this. I will just act perfectly casual with him. No big deal! Just two dudes flirting!

* * *

 

Okay... it was... not good. Need to work on this. But Later, I'm exhausted.

First, let's summarize:

I: Hey there, blondie, How are you doing?

(Casual, perfect approach! A+)

He (still tied to that damn mast): Like a pig on a spit. And you Frenchie?

I (being stupid) (the sound of me saying that will haunt me for the rest of my living days) : Pig on a Spit. Isn't that a threesome position?

He: I see you've been improving your english lately. Learning some useful vocabulary.

I: Communication seems important to you. 

He: I guess. You should improve your nonverbal communication though.

I: Why so?

He: I'm tied up right now...  

I: Now there's a way to get a guy's attention, uh? 

He: My mission in life. But obviously I've struck your fancy. So, you see, it worked. The world makes sense again.

(I couldn't say if he was being sarcastic. Actually I think he was now but back then I was just blinded by Mikasa and asshole Yeager coming to fetch Armin. I had to invite this dude quickly or else Reiner would ask for his money back). 

I: Pick you up Friday, then?

He stared at me for a bit, genuinely surprised. Then, he laughed and started untying himself (he used a jump rope) before walking towards Yeager and Mikasa:

He: You know what? Ask me out again in front of Eren and then I'll believe your intentions are pure and you're not just mocking me.

Of course I didn't.

But I'm not giving up! I just need another occasion!

 

* * *

 

I trust you now.

* * *

 

Okay, my mother was like all suspicious, asking non subtle questions about the fact that I was tired and late from school. It was really heavy and annoying so I finally admitted that I stopped using my first diary. And like, she was so relieved. She really thought I was getting into drugs and stuff. I couldn't believe she actually thought for a second any word of what I wrote in the first diary about it was true. And like... she actually apologized (I translate and it sounds more cheesy in english I think but in french it was okay):

« I'm sorry for having been so intrusive lately. It's just that... I'm really afraid of losing you but it's really not... not the right thing to do.»

I could see that she was holding back her tears. 

It reminded me of what Marco told me about Mr. Smith. Why are every parent afraid of losing their children? Like... my mother and I are a team. No question about it! My so-called-father is another issue but he was never truly afraid of losing me.

« You've been hiding things from me lately but it's normal. It's not hiding things from me it's... having a life on your own. I have to accept it! I must work on it. » she said.

I felt incredibly guilty about the deal with Reiner and the lunch money cigarettes.

« Yeah, I'm... sorry for being rude...and everything » I said.

The « everything » implied what I will never tell her and what I'm hiding from her right now.

We discussed for hours using « I statements » to not hurt each other's feeling. I guess at least she feels better now. As for me, I'm just tired and I feel guilty. Shitty american psychology and self improvement books.

But she promised never to look at my diary again. To show I trusted her, I wrote this message below and opened my new notebook on her nightstand at this page. I sincerely trust her but I must confess I kinda did this to feel less guilty and to regain her confidence. Weird.

I should try to write this diary in German. I think her German is more rusty than mine. Besides, no one at school would be able to read my shitty thoughts.

Wow... well Reiner would... and since he speaks German very well, this would be considered as an invitation to read.

I should just write in French. But then it would definitely loose the initial goal of this diary which was: getting me to improve both my English and my behaviour. And this would imply admitting that I kinda like writing my shitty thoughts and that I kinda need it.

And this is not true... or at least it's not what I want to be true, so let's just keep writing in English.

 

* * *

 

I really think too much for my age. People my age just think about dicks all day.

* * *

 

Wew... I wrote « dicks »... something going on with my supposed french bisexuality. I meant « pussies » and « bewbz » and this isn't a « lapsus » at all!

* * *

 

Or at least I don't want this to be a « lapsus ».

* * *

  

Listening to Reiner's ass song at the record store... It really sounds like the singer says « ass ». I'm sorry Marco. Also, the dude is so white! I'm sure this song drives Mr. Ackermann crazy. Well... I think actually 80% of the Xxth century's hit songs make him angry because, let's be honest, black people invented everything and white people stole everything.

Oh wait...  I'm kinda sure it's Armin across the street. Coming out of the bookstore.

 

* * *

  

I really like the dude...

Ah! Guilty feelings. Maybe I should just say everything already. No it's too soon. I don't know. What do I want exactly? I'm not even sure. Let's just say that I don't want to stop whatever I'm doing now?... for now...

So as soon as I saw Armin I ran out of the record store to meet him « casually » because I have a mission and I'm a man of honor!

When he recognized me, he stopped and said:

 

He: Are you following me? 

I: I was in the record store, I saw you and wanted to say hi.

He: Hi.

 

Then he passed me and kept walking. Complicated!

 

I: Not a big talker, huh?

He: Well, it depends on the topic. « Saying hi » doesn't really whip me into a verbal frenzy.

I: You think I'm still joking? That I'm trying to mock you?

 

He stopped and looked at me. He seemed genuinely intrigued by my insistence.

 

He: You don't know me... and considering the way you look at Mikasa, you're not gay. What is this about?

I: I'm bi.

He: That's good for you. Listen, We don't have to date because we're the only two people in our high school who are out.

I: We don't have to... But...

 

He was walking again. And fast! I had to stop him:

I: Haven't you thought about me naked?

… That was abrupt but it was an emergency! Brain went blank! He paused and burst out laughing.

 

He: Sure? Am I that transparent? I want you, I need you... oh baby...

I: I'm sure you're a bit serious.

He: Not a tiny bit. Wet dreams don't count.

 

He smiled and added: I don't want to see you... just because there's no one else. I deserve better and so do you.

I: So you're not interested? Not at all?

He: And you? Are you? It doesn't work this way!

I: You're being excessively cautious.

He: Why so? What do you think?

 

I hesitated for a second and thought about « I statements » and what we worked on with my mother. Stuff from the past that gets in the way of the present and make you angry but your anger is aimed at the wrong person.

 

I: I think if I was to be so cautious, it would be because bad shit happened to me.

He: Wow, you have basic psychology class in France?

I: My mother is into that stuff.

He: Well that's good. Just start working on yourself.

I: What do you mean?                        

He: I mean, if I were to suddenly manifest my attraction towards someone I barely paid attention to for months, suddenly switching sides on the Kinsey scale, it would also probably be because bad shit happened to me. On those wise words, I have to go. See you later John.

 

He left me, crossed the street and disappeared into a building.

«You're wrong, I screamed, I've been paying attention to you for months! »

The door closed behind him. He didn't hear me.

« And it's JEAN! »

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm posting two chapters this week because it will give more Jearmin and establish the story but then it will be one chapter a week. Everything's already written and it will be 10 chapters long. (Because 10 Things).  
>  Also you might have noticed chapter's titles are Shakespeare's quotes since _10 Things I Hate About You_ is like a _Taming of the Shrew_ AU. AU-ception!  
>  I'm a real fan of witty teenagers trying to be edgy (90's kid!) so this fic was a true pleasure to write! Nostalgia! It's a true challenge to keep everybody IC and to include canon elements in AU and I tried to do my best! I think Armin isn't characterized the way he usually is in my fic but I think he is suspicious of the authority in the canon and already the kind of guy to stand up for what he believes in. Like he is introduced this way, bragging about the fact that his assailants use violence against him because they know he's right. So I think in my AU he once was a very polite dude and appeared at soft (though his Gesumin side has always been there... buried inside) and then, as Jean said, "bad shit happened" and he's now more open and agressive.  
>  And also I love witty single mothers and I really love writing Jean's mother... and... erm dunno what to say. Thanks again to goodguyjean (check her fics) and hope you've enjoyed this chapter! Seeya all next week!


	3. God has given you one face and you make yourself another.

So... Reiner was a bit pissed today and I was a bit « I don't know » so I hid it behind fake grin and fake self assurance.

Neither of us were « a bit ».

He was like: « you didn't date! » I was like: « I'm on it... But I just upped my price. » And he was like: « wuuut? » And I was like: « a hundred bucks a date. In advance. » And he was like: « Nope. » and I was like: « Then find someone else. »... and then he gave me the money and I acted as if it was expected (it wasn't). And he said: « You better hope you're as smooth as you think you are, Frenchie. » Which was a bit dramatic I think.

So... I don't really want to think about why I did that... but maybe...

No I don't know.

Maybe I upped the price because...

It's wrong right? All this is very wrong?

But like... it's about.

It's a revenge! I'm the only dude who doesn't care about being seen dating another dude at school and he needs me badly to get Historia and that's a great occasion to get my revenge for all the bad surrender jokes he made at my expenses.

Or maybe it's because Jaeger is implied.

Or maybe it's because it's the definitive end of my story with Mikasa.

Which never actually started.

Or maybe... Maybe I kinda like Armin and I upped the price because I didn't expect Reiner to go so far just to date Historia...

Ahah... naah. I'm not that good a person. Let's face it « John » you did all this because you can't stop smoking!      

 

* * *

 

Her name's Ymir. Finally ! She came to workshop class with the Springer boy again. She's tall... Taller than him. And she has mean eyes.

And Armin and I aren't definitely the only token gays in high school anymore.

Armin alone... since I'm not really gay. Anyway. She was like: « you don't have a drill today. » I was like: « just one's usual friendly hammer. » and I hit the table with it... for no other purpose than hitting the table with it. Marco gave me a slightly annoyed stare since I made him miss a very delicate carving.

« Wow... manly, commented Ymir. »

She seemed less impressed than when I had a driller.  

Springer Boy: We know what you're trying to do.

I: Yeah, that's class assignment... it's supposed to become a wall clock.

Springer Boy: With Armin Smith, he precised.

He got my attention. I was a bit scared.

I: Yeah... ? And what do you plan to do about it?

Ymir: Help you out, because frankly, from what I've seen, you suck massively dude. »

I think I frowned... like my eyebrows are always frowned even when I try to look nice but they noticed the change. Or at least, Springer boy did because he added with a kinder tone:

Springer Boy: Okay, so... the situation is, Ymir has a major jones for Historia Smith. »

I: What is it with this chick? She has beer flavored nipples?

Ymir: And your balls are escargots? And you pee wine and shit cheese? 

And actually, I couldn't help but laugh while Marco, hearing us over the sound of the diverse tools used in class, was the one frowning.

Springer Boy decided precision was needed:

« Ymir's love is pure. Purer than... say... Reiner's. »

Ymir: My love isn't pure at all! claimed Ymir, you are the pure one, virgin boy!

Springer Boy: Well, technically speaking you're also a virgin.

Ymir: But I have seen a pussy!

Springer Boy: But you HAVE a pussy!

Ymir: I've seen more than one! »

I (loosing my patience): OKAY so what's the point?

They stopped immediately and seemed to think a bit about how to express what they were thinking.

Ymir: Point is, Historia and I are using Reiner so that WE can start dating. Making out in the bathroom while no one's there is far from enough, I want to take her to the moon, see! »

I: So you're gonna help me with Armin?

Hearing this, Marco rolled his eyes and put his headphones on.

Ymir: We're doing some research through Historia, We'll find out what he likes! We're your guys.

Springer Boy: Not in a gay way!

That doesn't seem like a regular way to play the flirting game but I'll give it a try I guess. I agreed on meeting them the next day at my locker. Let's see then.

Overall I think they're pretty fun to be around.

 

* * *

    

Marco and I had « lunch » together (I smoke and he brought me a little what-they-call-bread from the cafeteria) and he was like, searching excuses for Reiner this time. He has a thing for excusing assholes. Mr. Smith, Reiner... who's next? The USA president? Actually I should be glad I met him because he will probably be the only one searching excuses for me since I'm... you know, basically an asshole myself. So, it went like this:

Marco The Holy Spirit: You know, Reiner isn't just a dude who talks about farts and make surrender jokes. I've known him for a long time now. He just acts like everyone expect him to act. He's in fact very fragile and...

Asshole Me: Yeah sure Freckled saint Honoré des Batignolles! What about MY fragility? I mean, I cried every night alone in my bed... in the darkness, fearing the next day to come because it will bring me more surrender jokes. I can still hear the echoes of them screaming: « cockface... cockface... »

Random dude hearing me out and trying (and failing) at being spiritual: Hey Cockface!

Asshole Me: See what I mean!

Marco The Holy Mother of God: Jean (he's actually the only persons who actually learnt to pronounce my name right) I know you're solid. Like... you're weak but solid you know? Showing all your weaknesses to the world all the time and being so aware of it makes you actually pretty strong.

Asshole Me: For he spoke, and it came to be!

Marco The one and only Freckled Jesus (laughing): I'm being serious here! For his Titans team and many people he's really a « big bro ». Helpful, reliable, sweet and even gentle. You know, it's not as simple as what you saw on MTV's Daria.

Asshole Me: MTV's Daria is like, my main divinity right behind you. So be careful of what you're saying.

God Marco himself: You're avoiding the subject!

Asshole Me: Because I don't want to talk about this dick anymore!

Burning bush Marco: He's not just a dick... at least not all the time... He's like... split, you know! People act differently depending on who they’re hanging out with. Look at you, with me you're the perfect het dude and with Armin you're supposed to be gay.

Asshole Me: Touché!

Dove with the olive branch who never shits everywhere Marco: Reiner acted like a dick with you... and with other people. But he's no dick...

Asshole Me: If he's no dick then you're more than a God.

I didn't tell him about what Ymir and Springer boy told me about Historia « using » Reiner to date a girl. I wonder if Reiner is just a living purse for them. Is his sole purpose to just pay me with the hope to date Historia? Or do they plan to use him for a longer time like they will date while pretending Reiner is dating Historia?

Life is so complicated when you're gay.

Big fish that swallowed Jona Marco: Anyway, weren't you supposed to stop smoking?

Asshole Me: Like you said, it will depend on the person I'm hanging out with.

 

* * *

 

Springer Boy and Ymir met me at my locker as planned.

« First thing's first, she said, you're French, right? »

I tried to come up with something witty but it was too early so I said:

« Yes. »

« Great, Ymir answered, then you're gonna help. Historia's looking for a French tutor. »

Finally I will get to meet the famous Historia. Armin's sister and Reiner and Ymir's true love. That sounded interesting but I asked:

I: How much?

Ymir: Five bucks an hour.

I: My precious knowledge cost more than that.

Ymir: It should be easy for you to teach it since it’s your native language! Besides, it's thanks to her that Reiner's been paying you.

I (with a sigh): Ok, I'll do it.

Then they shared with me the informations they collected about Armin; No smoker, I already knew. And then Ymir said: « he likes pretty guys. Like, Historia said he has a pic of Jared Leto in a drawer. »

Silence.

I :Are you telling me I'm not a pretty guy?

Ymir: Yeah... kindah....

Springer Boy: You're very pretty! You're a gorgeous guy! And I'm not saying this in a gay way.

Ymir: Shut up! You've got terrible tastes in boys. That's why you're not gay (She whispered :) He thinks Reiner is pretty.

Springer Boy: You've got terrible tastes in boys too you only like girls!

I: So none of you is actually a gay dude. Maybe I'm the average gay dude's pretty boy type.

They looked at me blankly and then said in perfect unison: « not likely. »

I should have asked for more. DE-FI-NI-TE-LY... (tho I think you usually don't pronounce the « TE ».)

Anyway, they taught me that Armin had a thing for gay activism (no shit)... any activism in fact... , hard sci-fi (I'm more into fantasy myself but I can handle some scientific shenanigan) and « angry, girl music of the indie-rock persuasion » (wut?)

I: The Splendora type or the Shags type?

Ymir: I'd say bit of both.

I: Oh man.

Springer Boy: Yeah, chicks who can't play their instruments!

Ymir: Shut up! Neither can the Beatles!

Springer Boy: The Beatles don't sound like scratching on a blackboard.

Ymir: That's why your dad listens to them. Gals are making something new. Have you ever been to The Basement, John?

I: Erm no.

Ymir: Apparently, Armin will be there tomorrow. His favorite band's playing.

Springer boy: Just assail your ears for one night.

Well now that's easy to say!

 

* * *

 

So today, my schedule is basically: SMITHS everywhere. First, I have this French class with Historia Smith and this evening, I must go to the basement to meet Armin. Sounds like a lotta fun... yaaaay. (You hear me being ironic right?)

For now I'm stuck with Ackermann talking about english versification. Why do they have to imply stress patterns... Stress is stressful for French okay! Our language basically lacks any stress except when we're very angry.

Armin's here and explained the ideological problem that lied behind masculine and feminine rhymes. He hadn't been expelled yet. I think it won't take long.

 

* * *

 

He was finally expelled when he said we should rather study Shakespeare gayest sonnets instead of his more heteronormative parts. I think the « heteronormativity » of it is up to discussion though. Weren't Romeo and Juliette supposed to be played by two dudes anyway?

* * *

 

I've been expelled too because I asked to read Juliette's part to respect English Renaissance theatre tradition. I was being serious... No, to be honest, it was mostly to be alone with Armin. I found him waiting in front of Zoe's office. I sat next to him. He talked first.

* * *

 

He: You've been expelled without Eren.

I: Wanted some quality time with you.

He: Now that's a shame. You're a detention team, you and Eren, you work so well as a pair. It's a very precise mechanism but you're both masters at making each other angry. Mikasa and I observed some patterns. We're working on charts right now.

I: Interesting. You think it'll be of any help for college?

He looked a bit sad and pissed at the same time.

« If my father ever lets me go. »

He shrugged.

I: Lucky me, I don't have to face those dilemmas, my mother is not likely to forbid me to go to a college too far away... I won't have the money.

He: Oh... Sorry I...

I: Anyway I kinda suck here... and... well, I'm sure Community Colleges are underrated.

He: They are... and they're not free either.

I: Yeah... knowledge comes with a price. First you eat the fruit and you're ashamed of your body and feel the need to hide it... then you go to college and you don't have enough money to buy clothes anyway.  

He: Which means you’ll be naked soon.

I gasped.

What did he just say?

Before I could find something to answer, Zoe's office's door opened and his secretary called Armin. He didn't look at me at all but I think he was kinda blushing.

But maybe he wasn't.

I'm not sure.

I think he was tho.

Oh shit... he's coming back. My turn.

 

* * *

 

Now I'm waiting for Historia at the library. She's being late. And I'm being pissed. What was I expecting! She's... coming right at me. Gotta go!

 

* * *

 

I think I totally get Ymir and Historia now. And it was weird. This girl is weird. First she was all charming, innocent and kinda stupid nice girl. She arrived with her flower sundress like: « I'm really sorry I'm late but long story short story poor Sasha shot a guy during PE. And can we make this quick, Hannah and Franz are breaking up... yet again, they're gonna need me for moral support. »

I: Sokay... let's start with pronunciation then.

Her highness Historia: « Not the hacking and gagging and spitting part. Please. »

I should have felt insulted but she said it in a very charming way.

I: So you want to start with something more serious. Like our twenty verbal tense and seven verbal modes?

She blinked at me, a bit surprised.

Her highness Historia: You're the one who’s supposed to take out my brother.

I: It's Jean.

Historia: Jeanne?

I: Just say John.

Her highness Historia : I'm sorry Jeanne. I was bit lost in my mind. I didn't realize. I'm really really sorry. So how do you find Armin? Do you think it will work? Do you need more tips? Like I know he has some very fancy underwear... but fancy in a manly way. Maybe that's not what you want to know? I'm sorry, maybe you're not like... playing in that ground at all. How can I help you?  

I: Aren't we supposed to work on French. Au travail jeune fille!

Her highness Historia: Now that's patronizing. Tu sais, je suis pas si mauvais en française. J'ai déjà bien travaillé.  

I: So why are you taking classes ?

Her highness Historia: Father insisted. But it was also a pretext to meet you.

I: Really?

She was more calculating than I imagined her to be. Like... she was dating Ymir and using Reiner, so obviously she wasn't as innocent and pure as people though she was. But still... I had hard time figuring out her motivations.  

Her highness Historia: I just want to know who's going to date my brother. Nothing wrong with that right? Do you like him? Even just as a friend?

I saw many things wrong with that but I was unable to point all of them. I just said: « Who are you going to date in the end, Reiner or Ymir? »

Suddenly, it seemed like her face lost her usual softness and innocence. She looked away and mumbled:

« I'm not quite sure yet. It's just... very hard to go against my father's vision of our future and... I know what it is like to be openly gay, thanks to Armin. »

I: Armin suffered being out?

Her highness Historia: « Let's say that he didn't get lots of support. You know, he was pretty popular before. Discreet but showing up at every party. Eren and Mikasa were the only ones to stick with him after... what happened. As for me... »

I: Reiner it will be?

She looked back at me, changing the subject:

« What's with this notebook you're carrying with you all the time. I heard Armin and Eren talking about it. Are you like, writing a diary? »

So like... Eren and Armin had been talking about me... I was both annoyed and glad.

I: Erm... what if it was the case?

Her highness Historia: « Then it means you have a chance to get along nicely with Armin. »

I: He likes the diary writing type?

Her highness Historia: Maybe... Say... are you really gonna date my brother?

She didn't leave me the time to answer (it's a bad habit running in the family) and said: « Whoops, time's out! See you next week Jeanne! It was really nice to meet you. »

I really hate her fakeself. And I kinda both like and hate her true self? It's ambiguous where one begins and one stops but it's like Reiner, they're split. Maybe they're gonna make a good couple. I see prom king and queen!

As for myself. I don't want to think about it. I think I'm just like... impatient to see Armin again tonight.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey me again! Second week of publication. Thanks for kudos and the comment and for reading this :D So what stroke me watching _10 Things I Hate About You_ was Joseph Gordon Levitt and Heath Ledger physical similarity. They look like brothers. So it seemed obvious to me to have Ymir and Jean in their roles since I think they're physically (and psychologically actually) similar as well. I'd love to see Jean and Ymir interact more in the canon but... erm. Seems a bit compromised. I inversed Michael and Cameron's sentences for Connie and Ymir... cause Cameron's a bit homophobic in _10 Things I Hate About You_ and Cameron being now a very openly queer Ymir, it doesn't make sense anymore :P It's Historia's first apparition also! The queen is closeted and it's like Reiner, having two personalities makes sense with them being queer in this universe. I think. Also it's so weird now to write about a youth growing up without the Internet. Music means a lot... Finally, as usual, Thanks a lot to goodguyjean (check her fics) (and tumblr... same name!) for checking the native speakers dialogs. Seeya next week!


	4. Speak Low, if you speak Love.

Here I am, right in front of the Basement, not daring to enter because like... the crowd is like mostly female and mostly older and mostly alternative and I feel like a middle schooler who escaped from a dude only sleepover (Cause dudes... you know... totally have sleepover).

Oh ! Just saw him from a distance with his short-for-a-girl-long-for-a-dude-hair, Armin. I juste have to wait like five more minutes and then I enter. Gotta smoke one last cigarette for the guts and then, some mint... just in case.

Because... like I'm supposed to be dating him and that's what I've been paid to do so... I have to... smell good. I guess.

Okay... five minutes is kinda long. Let's enter the wild zone!

 

* * *

 

What a night! Right now I'm with my mother watching some crappy witch show on ABC. My mother love to watch and criticize and mock everything in sci-fi fantasy TV shows. I guess it's guilty pleasure. She used to do it in front of _Buffy_ but she ended up genuinely liking it (she's really in love with the brit dude) so now it's the witches turn. Mocking is part of her healing process. She never got over the fact that _Beauty and the Beast_ was cancelled.

Back to the Basement. I entered and, as I said, not so many dudes in here. Armin was sorta dancing in the back of the room with the other dudes. Priority to women I guess. His dancing was something for sure... he looks a bit like John Cleese doing the silly walk. But tinier... and, being perfectly honest with you, way more cute.

I tried to look as casual as I could, drinking... water (yeah...) at the bar. And quickly... because I'm not that tall but taller than most people there, Armin saw me. First, I acted as if I hadn't noticed him.

« You're kinda creepy you know. » He shouted.

I answered without looking: « You're the creep right now, I'm just listening to the music. »

He: Who told you about the Basement and the Tardigrada's concert?

I: Posters all around the place? I kinda like the Tartigrada. They're no Bikini Kill or Raincoats but not bad.

He: You really like it?

He looked at me directly in the eyes. Impossible to lie in front of those eyes.

I: Okay... I'm not that into Tartigrada, Bikini Kill and stuff.

Armin smiled.

He: So why are you here, enduring music you hate?

I decided not to answer.

I: It's really not so bad! I can endure _Rebel Girl_ and I like _Daria_ 's opening titles... mostly because of Daria's perpetually annoyed face.

He: That's on MTV! You're acting like a weird french dude but in fact, you're just an average american teenager.

I: I am. I even write a diary to complain about my parents not understanding who I am and life being so hard when you don't have a car.

He: You don't drive! Oh, that's too bad... I was sorta... counting on you to drive me to that underwater photography exposition next week... maybe.. I don't know. Maybe it's not your thing.

I: I love the sea! But let's walk... I'll walk you home.

He: I appreciate the attention but it's very far from my home, I'll ask Eren. But... you can come along... if you want.

Ahah. Nope! Shit... it seemed like a nice opportunity but... nope.

I: Sorry. I pass.

He: Come on, I'm sure you two could get along, the way you fight and argue... there's chemistry between you two.

I: Yes... there's chemistry that creates gold and chemistry that creates bombs.

He laughed.

He: Do as you want Rooster boy! But don't end up saying I'm a bad guy in your diary. (Note: I'm totally not doing that! He's kinda great in fact.)

Then he started... dancing... or whatever-he-was-trying-to-do again. He was looking at me and exaggerating his moves to make me laugh. It worked. I screamed:

« Man! I've never seen you look so sexy. »

As I ended up my sentence, I realized the music stopped and everyone heard. They all laughed. I must say I was a bit embarrassed but Armin kept smiling.

Then the music was on again.

He: Come on, you've got to admit it, I'm terrible.

I: Yes... and obviously aware of it and yet you're dancing.

He: I've decided not to care anymore.

I: You really don't care?

He: About what?

I: I don't know... people?

We were kinda dancing together but not really because I couldn't really show my best moves on such and ugly music and because, as I said, he was terrible.

He: Well, I just decided to act as if I didn't care. Sometimes it works and I end up really not caring, sometimes it doesn't.

I: And so, what's the secret?

He: I guess I'm blinded by my parent's love... I always end up persuaded I’m right even when I'm the only one thinking the way I do.

I: Sounds like some shitty american self improvement book to me.

He: Don't complain about such books, you prefer that good old european Freud saying you want to sleep with your mother?

I: Touché!

« Blinded by his parents' love uh? » Ymir told me their mother left them and the father wasn't obviously of the overly nice kind. Yet Historia and him were really... strong willed to say the least. I remembered what Historia said about his coming out not happening very nicely. What was he hiding?

The music was too loud. We couldn't discuss anymore. He kept weirdly dancing for a while but I ended up back at the bar. I lost him in the crowd  and, a bit disappointed, decided to go back home. I came out of the basement, looked at the dark and lone street and suddenly, he was right behind me with his bag.

He: May I walk you home monsieur?

I: I don't think we're heading the same way.

He: Too bad. Can we walk for a bit?

We did even though it made the way back home longer.

He: So who told you about the concert? Was it my sister or her secret girlfriend?

I: So you know about... her being...?

He: Her favorite Hepburn is Katharine, not Audrey, whatever she pretends. And that says a lot.

I: I see... she seems to really want to keep it a secret.

He: I can understand that. And what about you, Jean?

He pronounced it right.

I: So you finally learnt how to say my name!

He: Come on Jean, it's not so hard. And you're avoiding the question.

I totally was.

I: Why did you keep saying « John »?

He: Because you frown whenever you hear me say it and one might say I may find it somehow appealing.

Appealing... I remembered what I was supposed to do in the first place; seduce the dude. I poked his head gently. I really wanted to touch his hair but I didn't dare to. The small ones, on the neck, were still wet, the rest seemed so soft.

I: Smooth move Mr. Smith.

He: Was it really?

I: I think so, actually. Weird compliments are always remembered well.

He: Are you sure it was a compliment?

I: It wasn't ?

He: Eh...

I: Was that a yes?

He: no.

I: Was that a no?

He: no.

We arrived at a crossroad. He was about to say something but I don't know why, I said I really had to go. We just said goodbye to each other without touching.

It was great but I think I'm clear as water because my mother didn't ask any question which is unusual. My happiness state is too obvious. She's asking herself questions. I wonder if she will resist her old demon and try not to check if something happened in the diary to have all the details or if she will just ask me directly. I think I'm gonna make a trap for her. MEHEH.

 

* * *

 

 

Dear Mom,

This message in blue, white and red, in the colors of both our proud countries, is here to tell that your rooster boy might have the potentiality of someone in his life « romantically » YES but it's a bit complicated for now so yeah, he's not gonna tell you everything until some time. He's sure you're gonna take the news with your usual moderation. Be patient. I'll talk to you about it at the right time.

And please don't read the rest of this diary. I know this one doesn't have a heart shaped lock but it's still PRIVATE.

* * *

 

_**Who is this person? I knew it! I'm happy for you! Mon grand garçon !** _

* * *

 

Mom, using this diary to communicate isn't exactly the point. ARRÊTE !

* * *

 

_**I haven't read what you wrote before.** _

* * *

 

I know. Still you read the last page.

* * *

 

_**You got me. Why the « I know »? Are you hiding stuff from me that I would have liked to discuss with you if I had read about it?** _

* * *

 

Mom. Just stop.

* * *

 

_**No drugs right?** _

* * *

 

I swear. Now stop!

* * *

 

She ruffled  my hair and apologized. I think it's ok for now.

It's not about drugs but I have my secrets. I think I might even start not to smoke for real... even though it's really hard. But, apparently, cigarettes are bad for you.

* * *

 

So now I'm slowly becoming part of the nerd club myself which is weird because I'm not the nerd type. At first, when I entered, everyone was kinda scared/weirded out. But now, they're getting used to it. I've been invited playing D&D with Hallelujah Marco, Springer boy, Ymir and Bertolt, the huge dude from the marching band, for some time now and today, Ymir just ran to my locker and said:

« You have to invite Armin to that party so that Historia will be able to go herself. It's gonna be awesome. »

I asked « which party » because I never know those things and, frankly, I don't care. She showed me a flyer. They were everywhere.

« Besides, she said, Reiner is expecting you to take Armin out to that party because I've seen him being « subtle » about the fact that Historia's presence mattered to him. God I hate the dude. He's the worst. »

I couldn't agree more. I said:

« He paid for a date, I'm gonna do the job. »

But like... guilt was invited. I clearly don't need money anymore to want Armin to be around. I really like him being around. Like, I'm really glad when I see him during classes and that's enough for now I guess because else it will be worse with money guilt even if we don't have much time to talk and it's very frustrating.

Ymir : You never really talked to him again after the concert...Well, let me think. We have to create an occasion. Armin's the nerdy type too. Invite him to the D&D game planned for tomorrow and ask him out right after! I think he's ready. Historia told me he started singing old musical songs. The dude's so gay!

I: What do you mean by « the nerdy type too. »

Ymir: Come on, you're trying too hard being the dark outsider. Everyone knows you're nerd!

I: I'm totally not.

Ymir: Dude, you called me Haldir and Amdir at least twice. You're totally a nerd!

I am not!

I still don't know if I want to invite Armin. Let's be honest, I want Armin to be around but at the same time, the fact that I accepted and spent money to « date » him makes me feel awful... and I'm awful. So it's deserved. And so I'm stressing out and the more I stress out and the more I smoke. I smell badly, I know that. Tho not as badly as the white rasta dudes but still.

Ymir noticed it. She was like: « Man you stink! I told you he doesn't like smokers! » Yes I know THANKS!

So now I have to ask Armin to play D&D in order to ask him out. Once it's over, I'm done with this shit and I'm back to my normal life with Armin and I being best buds... and me trying to tolerate Yeager.

I'm really trying I swear. But last time, I saw Armin work on his -I must admit-very convincing campaign to suppress PE class and replace it exclusively with clubs, the only argument Yeager could come up with was: « SOMEONE DIED DURING THE 1987 TRIATHLON!

I mean... yeah, someone died and it's a great argument because nobody should die but you can't just keep repeating that. THAT'S NO VALID ARGUMENTATION! JUST STOP IT YEAGER YOU IDIOT LOSER!

Anyway, class is ending now and I must find Armin for D&D.

 

* * *

 

Wow... Armin was ok to play.

And so was Yeager.

And so was Mikasa.

Shit.

 

* * *

 

My mom asked me again if I was ready to talk about my feelings and this « particular person ». NO.

* * *

 

NON MAMAN! And quit reading already you sneaky weasel!

* * *

 

So, first thing's first. Ymir's a TERRIBLE DM. She really sucks! I hope she'll let Marco be DM next time but it's not likely. She's convinced she's amazing.

But it was great though. I hate the part when you have to create your characters but we made it quickly with less informations and stats since Mikasa and Yeager were beginners (of course Armin already played this kind of game) (OF COURSE) (I mean...) (Yeah...) (Like me...). And I was like: « my character's gonna be the sexiest dude ever! » and Yeager was like: « Not as sexy as MY character! » My human cleric (I chose cleric because someone has to do the healing) and his Witch elf ended up being ridiculously charismatic and beautiful and Ymir was like: « Dude, you won't survive monsters by showing them a pretty face! » And actually we did. Good dices today. But Ymir was always adding damages because she felt it was too easy. Asshole DM!

Armin's character was a dwarf and a thief. I expected something more intellectual but like, it fitted him well. At some point he kinda flirted with my character, Yeager's character and Marco's character but like, his charisma was very low and you have to be RP so I had to turn him down. Armin seemed very happy about it. Marco was a human magician, Mikasa a barbarian warrior woman (the « woman » was important to her), Connie a warrior dwarf and Bertolt was also a dwarf which is ironic because he's so tall. We didn't finish the dungeon but promised we'll do another day.

Nerd stuff, fun stuff!

After the game, Armin told Mikasa and Yeager not to wait for him. He was obviously trying to be alone with me. Which was good... I guess. We walked in the corridor after closing the club room. High school was almost empty.

He: So... how are you? It must’ve been really hard to turn me down.

I: It wasn't at all, you were an ugly old stinky man!

He: True, surrounded by dwarfs and ridiculously pretty faces.

I: Yeah... It was pretty stupid.

Silence.

He: Okay... you want to ask me out right? For this ridiculous party?

How on earth... ?

I: Yeah... kindah...

He: I'm not saying « no »... and I'm not saying « yes ».

I: Well I didn't even ask you out yet so I'm not taking this too badly. Besides.The yes/no thing... that's your specialty.

He: Oh yeah. Sorry. Let's say that I'll be expecting you on tuesday around my house around 8pm but maybe we won't go to the party. Maybe we'll just end up watching videos on the couch.

I wondered if that meant sex? Armin seems so more experienced than I am and I've done stuff with girls but dude gay stuff... Wow... Let's say I'm definitely not ready. Like NOPE! Not yet!

He added: My dad will be around. So you'll get to meet my family.

Okay now, this is worse than sex. I can't wait (feel the irony.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I'm late with this chapter (a day late)(busy week-end) Thanks again to Goodguyjean!! Best bud rereading my stuff! So a few things:
> 
> -I really like riot grrrls (not perfect (not very intersectional) but I like subcultures, zines, alternative music and feminism) and _10 Things I Hate About You_ was a bit late about them I think but it's part of why I like this movie :D
> 
> -I really like Katharine Hepburn... (especially in _Adam's rib_ tho the movie is hella problematic... and _Desk set_... and _Little Women_... also did you know she was friend with Lauren Bacall (another amazing actress...... and feminist!) Sorry... can talk about her all day)
> 
> (I also like Audrey Hepburn... especially in _Breakfast at Tiffany's_ tho the happy ending makes no sense... and in _Funny Face_ because I'm French and BONJOUR PARIS)
> 
> -I really like _Daria_ (and _Ghost World._.. we just had a talk with friends about movies that made our high school years: for one it was _Virgin Suicide_ , for the other, _Trainspotting,_ as for me it's _Donnie Darko_ and _Ghost World_ :P snubbish teenager) I think those movies are pretty good summaries of high school years.
> 
> -Winning D&D with charisma is possible with a cooperative DM. It was fun attributing SNK characters D&D's characters... what do you think are their alignement? :) (Also I think Jean is really into human... because he believes in humanity... and into cleric because one has to heal :P)
> 
> Next week you're gonna meet Psycho Dad Erwin! Hope You'll like it :) Thanks for reading! Seeya!


	5. Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: a mix of peer pressure and alcohol that leads to assault

So Springer boy is actually kinda desperate about sex and all. Basically any teenager is like that you may say (except maybe my cousin Louis... he really isn't interested in sex and stuff) (I know right! Listen he seems perfectly happy so I'm not to judge). We had a little chat at lunch (I smoke, he handed me a bag of crips... but here they say chips... why do we learn British english at school again?) He said Ymir was always talking loudly about sex and that it actually sometimes made him a bit uncomfortable because he was a massive virgin. He was like: « I’ve never even actually held hands? See how desperate I am! Even at like five, when you don't know about sex, girls knew I would suck at it! » I was like: « Is that really all that you want? Because you know, in fact, meaningless sex is kinda sad. » He was like: « Don't brag you Frenchie! It's like saying to a beggar that the bread you're eating isn't that tasty. » I was like: « if it's american what-you-call-a-bread, so it's likely to not be that tasty actually. » He was like: « that's not the point. » and I understood he really didn't feel alright. And I knew what it meant: « You like someone? »

He winced and nodded. « Who? » He said: « One of the girls in Historia's gang, Sasha. We're lab partners and I hate the way people treat her... like some kind of stupid clown. They think she's dumb. » I must admit, from what I've seen of the girl, she seemed to be pretty dumb. She's always running and screaming and saying stupid shit about food like: « see, there's a difference between « like » and « love » because I like Ritz Bits but I love pizza flavored Pringles. » She's also very good with a bow and arrows that is to say very dangerous. Like she « incidentally » shot Shadis during PE class right in the ass. I heard it was because he confiscated a full bag of good weed from one of Sasha's friend in detention but Connie said it's more likely that she did so because right after that, he confiscated her bag of Cheetos for no reason. As a result she was in detention for the rest of the year and so was Connie because it was a perfect excuse to see her alone.

« And how is it going? I asked. » He said that it was great, that they worked on a top 11 best type of  potato chips (11 because she wanted to include Lay's salt and vinegar chips.) and that she was also very fond of stupid giant japanese monsters movies (they regularly organize Kaijiu movie marathons at the local theater) and that she even seemed interested in playing d&d with us.

« So the beauty is actually a nerd, I said » He nodded: « She's beauty, nerd and something even weirder. » « Yeah, I said, she's your dream Potato girl. » He said: « I love her! »

Wew... love... That's a massive thing.

He said: « But like, we don't hang out with the same people usually. She dates the Reiner type! Not the Connie type! And she's probably way more experienced than I am. » I answered: « And so what? That's cool, she can teach you. » He shrugged: « That is never gonna happen... »

They're our Xxth century Romeo and Juliet. Bald Springer boy and Dream Potato girl.

* * *

Waiting for Historia in the library. She's never on time really! But now that I'm writing and not actually watching the ceiling I'm sure she's about to

* * *

So yeah, I just started writing when she arrived. Typical Historia. Just like last time, we didn't talk at all about French. Or just a little at the beginning.

Her majesty queen Historia: Bonjour monsieur. Are you ready to meet my father?

I: Yeah.

Her majesty queen Historia: Trust me, you're not.

I'm supposed to go to that party tonight. Everyone's talking about it. And I mean EVERYONE. This morning Reiner gave me a very intimidating look from a distance. He really wants Historia to go. I hope Armin's gonna be in the mood to go. That would be simpler. And right after that, I'll quit this stupid deal we make, forget about it and just hang out regularly with Armin.

I: I trust you. Are you going to the party?

Her majesty queen Historia: I'll manage to convince Armin, I don't want the only person able to date my brother to be beaten to death.

I: I can fight as well.

Historia: You can fight Eren... not Reiner.

I: Speaking of Reiner, Ymir seemed to think she will see you at the party.

Her majesty queen Historia: Oh... yeah... I'm... We'll probably see each other yes.

She obviously really didn't want to talk about it. So I asked:

I: Why don't you tell her the truth?

Historia: Which is?

I: That you're not ready to be openly lesbian wi...

Historia rushed on me to crash her hands on my mouth.

Her majesty queen Historia: She wouldn't understand okay, the stakes aren't the same at all.

I: Well... Maybe being out wouldn't matter so much. She's as openly gay as Armin, yet nobody seems to notice. Maybe because people think she's actually a boy... she has a passing.

Her majesty queen Historia: It wouldn't be the same for me. People know who I am. I am a queen.

I: Yeah... I know.

Historia: I have duties.

I: That includes lying to yourself and to basically everybody?

Her majesty queen Historia: I am not a lesbian. I'm like you.

I: This isn't about me.

Her majesty queen Historia: it is too. You understand what I'm saying, you have something to lose. Whoops! Time to go! Here's your money rooster boy.

And here I am. She payed me five bucks but I'm really sure it lasted five minutes. What's with this this girl!

* * *

I was late for Ackermann's class and had to sit next to Yeager. Immediately, he tried to talk with me. Whispering very loudly. So Ackermann was like: « I suggest our young star-crossed lovers seek intimacy outside of my class. Yeager, Kirschtein, OUT! »

Asshole Yeager was like « I didn't do anything! »

And here I am, waiting in front of Zoe's office. He was immediately called by the secretary (the name's Moblit, I'm like... a regular customer now) so I didn't have to really talk to him. Lucky me.

Oh. Here's my turn.

* * *

First thing's first, I'm 100% sure Zoe's writing a shitty erotic novel. As I entered, he was asking Moblit for another word for « engorged. » He was mumbling to himself: « swollen... turgid... » I said: « Tumescent ». Don't ask why I know such a word.

Okay... it's because of my mom's Beauty and the Beast fanfictions... I didn't read it on purpose ok! I was stuck in the bathroom after a bad chili and all I could do to distract myself from the awful noises my body was doing was to read her zine.

Anyway, the meeting went as usual. I need to work on my attitude. I'm still writing my diary (no shit) yadi yada... But you know what? Asshole Yeager was waiting for me at the door. HOW THOUGHTFUL! 

Asshole Yeager: Kirschtein! I know you've asked Armin out... you're going to the party with him... right?

Asshole Me: Wow... I thought I was gonna meet his father tonight but there you are. Nice to meet you Mr. Smith.

Asshole Yeager: He told me he liked you so...

I paused because... like... it was damn good to hear and it also felt like a punch in the stomach. I tried very hard not to smile.

Asshole Yeager: So don't mess with him! Asshole! I don't understand at all what he finds appealing in such a Cockface but if you hurt him, Mikasa and I, we're gonna beat the shit outta you!

Asshole Me: Don't worry Dad, I can call you dad right? We're basically part of the same family now. I'll treat him like a princess.

I'm really not sure about the « princess part » because I've been paid to date him and it's so wrong but like... Once the party's over, everything's gonna be fine. So breathe. Okay. Just one last cigarette before I go back home to get dressed.

* * *

In front of the Smiths house. Just breathe. Everything's gonna be ok Jean. EVERYTHING's gonna be Ok.

* * *

I'm in Yeager's car.

With Yeager, Mikasa and finally, yes, with Armin.

That sucks massively. But I should drive. It's actually really humiliating to not drive. But it's expensive! Also, Armin decided I should choose the music for once and I looked at the tape they had and it was so full of Oasis I couldn't help but mumble: « come on, everyone knows Oasis sucks. » and Yeager heard and like his fingers tensed on the steering wheel. He was like: « What did you just say? »

Asshole me: Oasis sucks.

Asshole Yeager: Don't tell me you like...

Asshole me: Blur... I like Blur better. Blur is making real music, Oasis is just a bunch of stupid party boys screaming.

Mikasa: so you're both into brit stuff nobody cares about.

He (that is to say Armin… like he is the “He” in the diary… don’t ask why!): I'm with Jean. (God this feels good to hear) The guy from Blur is hot.

Asshole me: Yeah totally!

Asshole Yeager: Gallagher brothers are hotter!

Asshole me: They're too dumb to get along!

He: They're not the only ones.

Mikasa: You guys are so gay. Just tell me if you want me to leave.

We immediately stopped fighting. I chose « The boy is mine » without commenting on it, just to make Yeager weird tastes in music obvious. I mean... he listens to BRANDY! Armin smiled. Nobody said anything.

Armin just asked me if I was writing about his father. I said « not yet » but I should have started with him.

So, I rang and the door opened on a very tall (weird considering the tiny size of his offspring) but otherwise, just as blond, intense blue eyed, pretty overall as Armin and Historia guy. He had his son's eyebrows... or the other way around but anyway, same huge eyebrows.

I: Good evening... I... I'm Jean Kirschtein... erhm... Did Armin mentioned that...

Psycho Dad: John or Jeanne?

I: Whatever you like!

Psycho Dad: He mentioned you. Where are you going?

So Armin planned to not stay home and go to the party. I didn't know what he told his father so I tried to stay vague about it.

I: erm... we're gonna see some friends.

Psycho Dad: It sounds like an orgy.

I: It's... uh... it's... just a party.

Psycho Dad: And Hell's just a sauna.

I was sweating like a pig. Luckily, Armin appeared right behind his father:

He: Dad, don't tease him! That's my job.

Psycho Dad: If teasing doesn't imply being naked I guess it's ok.

He: We're not three years old playing doctor in puddles, we do quickies and keep our clothes on.

Historia the first (from behind): Stop saying stuff like that! You’ll really make him believe I'll get pregnant if I'm not home after 9.

Psycho Dad: Don't need him to believe that. I'm an obstetrician. It's my everyday job. When will you decide to enter, Kirschtein?

I entered reluctantly. The house was clean and neat, nothing broken and old like at my house. Just a tiny bit messy to show that someone was living here. And green everywhere with very healthy plants. Historia was checking herself in the mirror. Very pretty in a red dress.

Psycho Dad: Again, where are you going?

He: I wrote the address on the blackboard.

Historia the first: Just your regular high school party.

He: That is to say a lame excuse for all the idiots at our school to drink beer and rub up against each other in hopes of distracting themselves from the pathetic emptiness of their...

Historia the first:... meaningless, consumer-driven lives. You've become predictable you know.

Psycho Dad watched them suspiciously, his arms crossed. Finally he said:

« Historia... I want you to wear the belly. »

Wut? How do you « wear » a belly.

Historia the first (blushing). « Daddy, no! »

Psycho Dad: Not all night. Just around the living room for a minute so you can understand the full weight of your decisions.

Historia the first: That's unfair! Such a double standard!

He: You weren't obliged to sit through that 8 hours long seminar about Aids last semester.

Psycho Dad rushed to a cupboard and pulled out a padded faux-pregnancy jacket. Man! The guy's crazy! Historia limply held out her arms in defeat. He hung it on her. Next time, I'll tell her to think about the pros at being openly lesbian considering her father's pregnancy obsession.

Historia the first : I'm perfectly aware...

Psycho Dad: Listen to me. Every time you even think about kissing a boy, I want you to picture wearing this under your halter top.

Historia the first: You are so completely unbalanced.

Armin (grabbing my arm and it felt REALLY good): We're going now.

Psycho Dad blocked the door :

« Alright, wait a minute. No drinking. No drugs. No tattoos. No piercings. No ritual animal slaughter of any kind... »

Then he mumbled to himself: « Oh god, I'm giving them ideas. »

Armin opened the door on asshole Yeager and Mikasa.

He (to me): neither of us can drive.

I: So we have chaperons.

Asshole Yeager: You bet you do.

Mikasa: Who knocked up your sister?

And here we are. In the car, listening to Brandy and Monica claiming their respective rights on some jerk.

I guess we're not far from the party. I can hear it. Laters.

* * *

Okay, everything's not ok at all. I have no idea where Armin is. As soon as we entered the house of the party, a girl threw herself at me like: « kiss me » and laughing like she was very very very very drunk. And then I noticed it was Potato girl herself. I guess we took a long way because she was supposed to pick up Historia and considering her state, she had been there for a moment. I was like: « Armin, she's not ok... » But Armin didn't hear me, there was already a crowd between us. Before I could like bring her to a quieter place, she threw herself at another dude and it was this idiot Titan Daz. He was like: « Thanks bro ! » and they started making out and it was... it was graphic. I wasn't sure it was ok. He had his hand under her skirt. But then asshole Yeager was all: « Hey dude! She's drunk! » and Daz was like: « yeah that's the point! Lucky me! » It was clear it wasn't alright at all. Yeager and I shared a look and we tried to separate them. Sasha was giggling and I asked myself if she actually wanted this. Was it patronizing? Like, I'm not her father and besides, we were agreeing Yeager and I, which probably meant we were wrong. Daz screamed: « What's wrong with you guys! She's drunk! She's a slut! That's what she does at parties! » and that's the moment Mikasa arrived. God she seemed angry. Not saying a word, she took Daz by the collar and punched him in the face. Reiner was not far away, talking with Historia but he just let everything down to scream: « FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! » and people surrounded us. Mikasa and Daz started fighting like animals, breaking lotta stuff which drove the dude who actually lived in this house (and kinda organized the party which turned out way bigger than expected... Marlowe something?) to madness. « Don't touch the... Ahh! No! » Yeager and I, we grabbed Sasha's arms and took her to the garden. We made her sit and drink water. She didn't threw up... yet. Oh Mikasa's back. Not a scratch. I've almost forgotten how amazing she is.

* * *

So, she actually started talking with Sasha. I'm a bit worried I must say. It really isn't the first time and Sasha admitted she didn't like doing that kind of stuff with but like, she's not like Historia, she can't say no and still be « in ». So she started drinking because this way, it's easier. That's what people do. She seems both forced to do that and ashamed of it. It's shitty anyway. I'm sure there's a complicated feminist word to describe such a situation.

« Don't tell Historia, ok, she told Mikasa, I don't want her to think I'm a slut. »

Mikasa who didn't say a word, she was just listening silently, nodded but added:

« You know, I think she won't mind. » 

I'm not so sure but if Historia really didn't know what was happening to her supposed best friend, she'd better take care of it from now on. But maybe... maybe she's too self centered and obsessed with keeping her secret that she really wasn't aware of this. Sasha seems to genuinely like her and Historia chose her as her BF for a reason I think. Let's hope for the best. And I should stop judging people. I'm not better at this.

And I should stop writing and seek Armin.

* * *

I still haven't found Armin and now, I'm just hanging out in an empty room we closed from the inside with Ymir and Springer boy. They're too tired to try to rob my diary so I can write. They're both having terrible night.

I found them both dancing in the crowd. Ymir was alright, just... like... a bit aggressive and violent with her arms. Like she hit me before noticing I was there. Springer boy... well, let's say he was right behind Armin on the terrible dancing scale. At least he wasn't hurting anyone.

* * *

Okay Ymir and Springer boy got tired of my antisocial behaviour and stole my diary, and read it and were like: « MY DANCING DOESN'T SUCK! If you're so good, show us some moves »... which I totally did... and Springer boy was like: « you look like my great uncle Milton. » Sweet.

So now Ymir decided she had to dictate me what happened after we met because it had to be written the right way. And their dancing wasn't so bad by the way. (It was totally awful, she made me write it). So, she found Historia with Reiner dude, he had his arm wrapped around her waist. With all this tension, I tried just to disappear behind them although Reiner discreetly thumbed up at me behind Historia’s back… as if she didn’t know. In any case, it wasn't a right time for me to talk about Sasha to Historia.

Ymir (full of dignity -I must say you could read on her face that she was both confused and heartbroken): Hi Historia.

Historia: Oh, hi Ymir. You know Reiner.

Ymir: Who doesn't?

Springer boy (ruining the tension because of his fanboy obsession with the dude... which is not true (it is, he forced me to write it wasn't)): I do!

Ymir (smooth like a motherfucker): You really look amazing.   

Reiner (being an asshole): Thanks. We all know I look amazing.

Historia (nervous): Ah ah.

Springer boy (sincere): AHAH THAT'S FOR SURE! (But he never said that. (he totally did, forced me to deny... but he didn't screamed it)).

Ymir (not amused): Ah ah.   

Reiner: Come on Historia, we're all congregating around Mr. Cuervo.

Historia (to Ymir): I'll see you around. 

So Ymir thinks that Historia might not be worth it because damn, she's such a coward! What's so nice in hanging out with douchebags and stupid girls (except Sasha (that's from Connie))?

I asked Ymir if she liked Historia. She said she loves her. (What's with « love » here... « like » seems already HUGE for me). I asked: « is she worth all this trouble? » She said: « I thought she was... but you know I... » I was like: « She is or she isn't! » She answered: « that's more complicated than that. » And I knew she was right. Being gay is being doomed.  

* * *

Springer Boy and Ymir asked to reread at least that last page. Ymir really liked the last sentence. But she added: « it also means having actual orgasms so I guess we're even. » Also, I'm stupid because Springer boy noticed my sentence about Sasha of course. He was like: « « Talk about Sasha? » What is it with Sasha? » I was like: « It's not of me to say. » but of course, I ended up telling him what happened earlier. Now he wants to find her.

* * *

 

So now I'm in the corridor and they're in the room... arguing.

« You won't rescue her like a white knight baldie, Ymir said, there's nothing you can do about it. » He said: « I can try to comfort her! She's no slut! and... » Ymir was like: « They both suck, they want so badly to be liked by everyone that they forget who they are. » I think she was both right and a bit unfair but of course, Springer boy's opinion on it wasn't so nuanced. I let them fight and I think I should stop writing now before someone not so friendly finds out I'm writing a diary.

* * *

Writing in yet another notebook because guess what? I've lost the other one. At the party. I really hope it was like... burnt or... thrown into the pool. I really hope they won't like publish it on the school journal and then I'll go to class and everyone will be looking at me weirdly, giggling, mocking me because of all my stupid thoughts written in bad english.

This notebook looks so shitty, I had to remove the first pages, it was math class from middle school. And there's a purple gorilla on the cover. From heart shaped lock to purple gorilla, the slow decline of my diaries. Anyway, I still feel the need to write but I'll be more careful with the purple gorilla diary.

About the party... I think I fucked up. I don't know. I missed an opportunity at least. I still feel weird about it. Waiting for monday. When I got home, my mom asked if I was alright and then, seeing my face she said that if I wanted to, she could change the channel so that we can watch WWF smackdown! Watching wrestling is my guilty pleasure but she doesn't get it so... that's like, the ultimate evidence that she cares about me and that I really looked bad. I said: « I pass. » and then I tried to sleep and ended up rereading all the Animorph's novels (in French) (though I know the french edition is incomplete). Listen, I know it's for kids but it makes me feel good.

Though the last novels really aren't as good as the first.

Can't wait for the next book tho.

Also, I think Marco and Ax could be well together. But is it like... gay considering one of them is an alien?

Animorph's Marco is like... the opposite of real Marco.

But I think I'm avoiding the subject. Let's talk about the party.  

I finally found Armin... it was weird. He was totally drunk, dancing on a table. But not « silly walk » dancing... actually sexy dancing like a girl with very hot moves and all. People were cheering around... and laughing. He seemed lost, his eyes closed. I tried to cross the crowd to reach the table but they kept pushing me back. I insisted, and finally, I was right there when he hit the ceiling lamp and fell. I caught him before he hit the ground

He told me he was fine but he was obviously drunk… and hurt… and like… what the fuck just happened?!

I helped him walk outside. I made him sit in the garden. He could barely stand. I kept my hands on his shoulders. 

I: So what was this? I've been looking all over the place for you.

He: Getting trashed and dancing. Isn't that what you're supposed to do at a party?

I: I don't know. I say, do what you wanna do.

He: Funny, you're the only one. 

Then I heard someone calling my name (and pronouncing it the right way) right behind me. It was Marco. I stood up to talk with him but kept looking at Armin who stared at the grass blankly.

Holy Apocalypse trumpet Marco: Hi... I'm sorry... I've watched him getting drunk, tried to stop him but he's pretty stubborn.

Asshole me: You're the real big bro... not that asshole Reiner no matter what those shitty Titans say. Why did he start drinking?

God mighty, strong and prominent Marco (he sighed before he answered): Actually, I think he had a bad encounter with Reiner.

Asshole me: Wow... I guess it must have been really bad.

Lord who sanctifies and makes holy Marco: They used to... be really close... before Armin was out. Like real good friends.

So Marco (the guy sees everything, he's like a party hawk) explained to me that Armin met Reiner first at the beginning of the party. Reiner, of course, acted like a dick, like « hey faggot, it's not Pride, why are you here? Is your sister around? » And Armin asked Reiner to stay away from his sister. Reiner answered he'd stay away but couldn't guarantee she'd stay away from him.

Later, Armin helped Mikasa and Yeager to carry Sasha to the car. They drove her at Mikasas' place where she stayed the night. Armin didn’t go with them because I was still there. Back to the party, he saw Reiner and Historia together. Reiner was like: « Look who found me. » and Historia kinda ignored her brother. Armin called her, saying that she should make wiser choices or something like that (sure that's the kind of stuff Psycho Dad would say) she just answered: « you made your choice, I made mine. »

And that's when Armin started to drink. Not a very wise choice obviously. I think there's definitely something behind it but Marco didn't say more. He had to go but told me to take care of Armin. The dude's really a freckled Jesus!

I turned back to see Armin lying on the ground and hugging the grass. I ran to him and grabbed him by the arms to make him sit. Then, I checked his head, not sure if he was so sleepy and weird because of the alcohol or because of the way his head hit the lamp. It was huge. I barely touched it and he protested. Painful obviously. I tried to catch his eye but he was looking at the void.

He: Why did you do that? I was gonna sleep. Sleep is good.

I: Yeah, not if you have a concussion! Which day is it?

He: Tuesday... party day...

I: Where are you?

He: At a very lame party.

I: What's your name?

He: Napoléon Bonaparte.  

I: Very clever. I think you're ok but let's go to a quieter place, ok?

I helped him stand and held him up. We crossed the street. There was a hill that we started to climb. Armin said I was being patronizing. I told him he was too smashed to use such words. He pushed my arm and tried to walk but ended up on all fours. I helped him again.

He: Why are you doing this?

I: Cause you're not alright.

He: I'm never alright.

I: Yeah I guess. But you don't drink that much everyday do you?

He: You would like me to dance this way everyday though, right?

I: I prefer the silly walk dance you did at the Basement.

He grinned. We reached a set of two swings and he awkwardly tried to sit by himself. He looked at me for a moment with a dumb smile. I guess it was the same for me. I was a bit worried but mostly relieved to have found him and to be with him. Then, suddenly, he fell over backward and I had catch him again. I sat next to him. I began to talk to keep him awake.

I: So... I thought you didn't care what people think, what was the dance for? You tried to provoke Reiner, right?

He: What did Marco say about him?

I: That you used to be friends.

He smiled... bitterly... and he looked away.

He: I hate him.

Obviously, he wasn’t talking about Marco.

I: Yeah... I always sexy dance in front of my mortal enemies. You should see me with Yeager.   

He laughed.

He: You know...

He paused for a second. His head was resting against the swing's rope. He fell asleep. I tried to wake him up. Calling his name. Getting no reaction and starting to panic I had to « gently » (at least my intentions were pure) slap him. He finally opened his eyes and I sighed with relief. He looked at me.

He: Hey. Your eyes have a little green in them.

I smiled. He smiled. We shared a look and then he threw up on my shoes.  

We went back to the house where I helped me wash himself in the bathroom. I also washed my shoes. He really seemed tired but we had no way to drive back home. Marco handed me his keys. I said: « You know I don't have a driving license... and I only drive with my mom in the car park? » He said he wanted to stay here to check if everyone was okay. Holy father of us all Marco. I gave him my address, he came this morning to get his car back and met my mom (she didn't know I drove, he stayed for a bit to play video games and talk about the Animorphs because he also like them (but his fave's Jake... BORING)). My mother asked me if he was « the person ». Obviously, coming out to her is perfectly useless. That's probably because she reads too many fanfictions.

I don't think I really have to « come out » anyway since I'm not really gay.

So I tried to drive Armin home. I was really stressed and luckily, we didn't meet anyone. Holy quiet suburb (it was more difficult once I was alone because I live in the city). He guided me and we arrived at his home safely but before leaving, we stayed in the car for a bit. Armin turned on the radio. We listened to yet another of his angry all female band. 

He: I should do this!

I: Do what?

He (pointing the radio): This!  

I: Start a band?

He: No, install car stereos! Yeah, start a band. My father would love that.

I: Sure he will but do you even play anything?

He: You should hear me with a kazoo. I should start learning, I don't know... piano like Elton John... I don't know, Him... Boy George, George Michael and the Bronski Beat are gay and musicians... yet what comes first is always musicians. Yet the only thing people know about me is that I'm gay.

I: Yeah, well, the only thing they know about me is that I'm French. Also you forgot Freddy Mercury.

He: He was bi, just like you. You should know that.

I: I think it's George Michael who's bi.

He: He was... at first... I think? See, it's fluid. It evolves. I shouldn't have come out so early. I put myself in a tiny box. And now I'm not allowed to be anything but gay.

I: To me you're many things besides gay.

Again, we looked at each other. He leaned... still a bit drunkenly... toward me. Our faces grew closer. I still didn't dare touching his hair or cupping his face with my hand. I couldn't move. I smelled his... not that good despite the mint-breath. He was close. His eyes were bright, reflecting the street lights. I though about the tiny box. About the fact that everybody thought Freddy Mercury was gay. I thought about Historia's choice. I thought about Reiner's money and the fact that my breath was probably also bad because I smoked during the party... several times. He closed his eyes and I pulled away.

I: Maybe we should do this another time.

He looked a bit disappointed, nodded and then got out of the car and left me there without a look:

He: Good night John... and thanks... I guess...

I really suck.

And I'm so afraid of monday. What about my diary. What about Reiner? What about the others? What about him? I wish the weekend would last forever. My last cigarettes pack is almost empty.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So a few thoughts about this chapter :D
> 
> \- As usual, thanks to Goodguyjean, amazing in any possible way so go check her fics!
> 
> \- And thanks for reading and kudos and all :D. Last week I posted the chapter late... on monday... so I guess it's becoming a monday thing?
> 
> \- The "hell's a sauna" line is really one of my fav in the movie. One of the regrets I have writing this fic is to have Jean's point of view and so we don't get to see the father a lot while he's a huge part of the movie _10 thinks I hate about you_. Here, Mr. Smith remains in the shadow. Which is also cool... I guess. Sometimes my first readers told me about some line they found funny and when it was a movie line I felt a bit guilty but a lot of lines they mentionned were mine so I guess I also did my part here ahah. I'm glad if you laugh at "hell's a sauna though"... it's a great line  ><!
> 
> \- Also I know this is supposed to happen in the USA and so the Blur/Oasis drama (which happened like 3 or 4 years before the events here) wasn't much of a thing probably but still... Blur vs Oasis is part of my musical education. I'm really into 90's brit pop rock. I'm sorry ahah.
> 
> \- On the other hand I chose the song "The boy is mine" because the video clip is hilarious and TOTALLY homoerotic. Like Monica and Brandy have many "now kiss" moments and totally get rid of the "boy" by the end. I want a sequel where they start dating and discover the have a lot more in common than a boy! And so... obviously I chose this song because Jean and Eren totally have homoerotic tension as well!
> 
> \- Speaking of homoerotic tension... yeah... Connie has a tiny crush on Reirei. (Sweet love)
> 
> \- More seriously: The scene with the drunk girl in the movie with Heath Ledger pushing her in the arms of a dude who says "thank you" to him later while he totally makes out with a totally drunk girl (while he isn't as drunk) is... so... cringe. _10 Things I Hate About You_ is surprisingly progressive for the time it had been made (like in the movie Pat really refuses to kiss Kat because she's drunk I think) and then you have this lazy joke which reminds me of _Sixteen Candles_ and other teen movies with assaults played as jokes. Luckily today we have more informed teen shows and movies...
> 
> And so even though education about Rape Culture wasn't the same at all at the time I wanted to rewrite the scene in a safer way ><.


	6. Action is eloquence

So, diary not found, Armin not found but nobody seems to have read or to know what was written in the diary... or what happened. On the other hand, everyone's talking about Armin's sexy dance. I hope it won't bother him to much. 

I'm currently smoking my third cigarette this morning, hiding under the bleachers (best spot), Marco didn't come with me, saying second hand smoke was a thing and if I was to poison myself, I should rather do it by myself. He seemed a bit pissed. I said: « is it your car? » because I tried to be careful but maybe it had a bit of a scratch... on the back door. He said it wasn't the car. I wonder what it is then. The guy's usually sweet. I guess he just started to listen to his own desires, which is a good start according to my mom's self improvement book:  _ Dreams can come true: ten secrets to achieve your true goals and deploy your full potential _ . I read it in the bus. I wanted to read without thinking and it actually made me think really deeply. It's all because of my mother! After Animorphs, I wanted to reread my Redwall books but she was like: « you threw them away before moving remember » (I don't remember I think SHE did it) and so I was like: « What am I gonna read then! » and she handed me this book, saying it will help. I'm not so sure. 

* * *

So, Ymir joined me under the bleachers and I was like: « How do you know? » And she said I was really predictable. Anyway, I’m writing as she’s dictating me the whole story. (I've finished my cigarettes and we're actually ON the bleachers now). The party didn't end up so badly for her actually. Apparently, Historia was like actually really bored by Reiner not very subtle sense of humor and lack of conversation and then he asked if people wanted to head to another place and she was like: « I have to be home before midnight. » and he was like « Sokay... seeya ». Such an asshole. So Ymir was right behind, watching her enemy and the love of her life and she was like (playing casual) (I'm sure she was in fact very aggressive): « Hey. Have fun tonight ». And Historia almost begged her to give her a ride home. (I'm sure she didn't beg). 

(Side Note: Ymir can drive! I should have asked her to drive us home. I wouldn't have scratched Marco's car. I'm sure he's pissed.)

Ymir and Historia didn't share a word nor a look during the ride, just listening to some MTV crap because Historia chose the music. Finally, right in front of the Smith's house, Ymir finally broke the silence like: « You don't want to like... really date me publicly, do you? » Historia tried to avoid the question like: « you know, it takes time » « I will eventually but... you know... » and Ymir was not taking her shit so Historia finally admitted she wasn't ready at all. Ymir was pissed. She said: « Well that's all you had to say, you know! You always been this selfish? » And Historia was  like: « I'm not... » and then she paused and remained silent which says a lot. Ymir actually started lecturing her: « We're in this together! I know you're like Queen Alpha Bitch here and everybody knows you and being out will probably change a lot of things. I can understand that you don't want to be out at all IF you deign to explain! I mean... just consider the fact that I have feelings too! And saying « no » and being honest with me would be decent! Well... no, actually, admitting to yourself that you can't please anyone and that there's something you actually can't manage would be a good start! » And then Historia and Ymir shared an intense look and Historia grabbed her by the shirt and they started making out and I DON'T WANT TO KNOW!!... Or do I?... actually it's kinda pleasant to imagine. 

* * *

Ymir said I seemed too pleased by what she was saying. She didn't pursue her story. What a shame!

* * *

Ymir noticed the change of notebook. I told her I lost the first one. She said she will investigate this case and punch the asshole who stole my diary. I said it wasn't technically stolen, just lost. She said she'll punch him anyway because she had some tensions to ease. Because even though she asked Historia to be honest, she wasn't being so honest herself because she wasn't sure she could handle dating a -so-called-straight girl supposed to be dating a jock. « What if she wants to be convincing? What if she makes out publicly with him like... to make it official! I don't want to see that asshole's lips on my Historia! »

Lesbians are drama queens.

* * *

Okay. Ymir saw the last sentence I wrote and she got pissed and now she's asking me (harassing me with questions) about Armin and his sexy dance and all. I don't know what to say. 

Oh, here's Connie! Sweet Connie!

* * *

Back in Ackermann's class right behind Armin (who smells very good by the way what is it? Is it his shampoo?) and he totally ignored me and Yeager gave me a « you're dead » look. What have I done wrong?! 

Connie asked Sasha who asked Mikasa who asked Armin about what he felt about last time and Mikasa said he wasn't so sure about me anymore. Again. What. Have. I. Done. Wrong? Jeez! 

* * *

I tried to talk to Armin. I just patted his shoulder. He immediately raised his hand. 

Ackerman was like (speaking between his teeth): « yes... what is it Mr. Smith? »

He:  An idea just crossed my mind: I think, in fact, Romeo and Juliet is very problematic. I mean, it kinda romanticizes the behavior of two spoiled rich brats who have no other purpose in life than inventing problems for themselves that actually have huge consequences on the people you actually never hear of during the course of the play because we're supposed to think that their teenage angsty feelings matter more than... say... plague, starvation, an obvious lack of hygiene which contributed to high maternal mortality rate and...

He was obviously trying to get him angry to be expelled but Ackermann actually listened from beginning to end and said: « I think you've got a point ». 

It's time to take matters into my own hands. 

* * *

So I'm just hiding. Don't want to go to class. I feel stupid. Fifth cigarette. 

I just barely touched Armin's hair, he gasped and turned his face to me, obviously upset and Ackermann, without looking, expelled us both like: « Kirschtein and Smith, out! »

He: Happy?

I: As if you didn't just try to get expelled yourself! Listen! If it's about the kiss, I can make up for it... like we can do it now.

He: No. 

He smiled which reassured me. 

He: You smell like ashtray.  

I: Ah... yeah... sorry I just... I've lost something and...

He: your diary?

I started panicking. Was he pissed because he found it? Because he read it and saw how awful a dude I was?

I: How do you...

He: You've got an ugly new one... purple gorilla. Loud visual. 

I sighed with relief. He smiled again. 

He: I haven't read your dark secrets.   

I: So why are you avoiding me?

It was his turn to sigh... not with relief. 

He: I'm sorry. I'm just...

He laughed... without joy.

He: A bit... ashamed of what you saw... at the party. 

I: The others bothered you about the sexy dance?

He: Well... that's not the point but Daz danced in front of me and tried to push my head closer to his whatever he has between his legs. Reiner stopped him before it went too far. 

I: Bloody titans!

He: He stopped him. 

I: Wow... thanks for being just a dick and not a monster!

Armin sighed again. I was losing him. 

He: I'm sorry Jean... I'm just... I felt rejected and I know my breath was probably terrible considering the fact that I had just emptied the contents of my digestive system on your shoes... Sorry about that... but anyway... it hurts... you know... 

I: Tell me about it... for every rejection I play _OK Computer_ all night long just to dry myself out so that I won't cry the next day. 

He laughed a bit. 

I: I'm being serious. That's why my mom hates Radiohead.        

He: You're sweet Jean, but I'm not sure I want to go further with a guy who isn't so sure himself. 

I: What? I'm not... well...

He: Just be honest, Jean, you're just not ready and like... it hurts too much to date someone who's ashamed of... himself... and everything... it hurts too much. Let's be friends, ok?

I wasn't so sure he was actually talking about me but considering the fact that I had been paid to date him in the first place and that... ok I was maybe a bit gay but mostly het, I didn't feel like I was legit to protest. He walked away. Slowly. 

I: You know who's waiting for me ? _OK Computer._

He: I'm not rejecting you. 

I: Why do I feel like you just did then?    


* * *

Reading  _ Dreams can come true: ten secrets to achieve your true goals and deploy your full potential.  _ After such a rejection, maybe I should practice some stuff like watching myself in the mirror every morning to find something appealing in myself. I won't find that thing in my face I think... I mean... I'm handsome... but in my own way? I guess? I mean, separately everything's kinda ugly in my face... But altogether it's not so bad? My first GF said I had an « interesting » face. 

* * *

Sixth cigarette. So I know now that I have to fake until I make it... to summarize. That's the story of my life... faking it until making it... except I actually never make it. 

* * *

To find happiness I must:

-Find the source of my problems.

-Achieve my goals.

-Take new challenges

-Believe in myself

-Go beyond my limitations

-Become free.

Well DUH! Not so easy asshole book! Being free and getting beyond my limitations and achieving my goals and bullshit bullshit isn't that simple. I'm still waiting for the answer for my scholarship. Country of liberty where you can't go to college if you're broke my ass!

* * *

Reiner found me.  

He was like: « Here. This should take care of the flowers, the limo, the tux, everything.» 

I was like... not getting where this was leading me but then he handed me two hundred bucks. That made a lot of cigarettes! The dude’s loaded! I understood. He wanted me to take Armin somewhere with a limo, a tux and everything. Ahah. Too bad. Too late. Besides... I had already planned to stop doing this. 

« Just make sure you take him to the prom. »

Ahahah... 

Yeah... sure. 

I: You know what? I'm sick of playing your little game. 

King Asshole the second (the first being... well Yeager of course): You smell like ashtray. 

I: Whatever, take back your money. 

King Asshole the second: You sick of, let's say, 300?

WOW... WOW... Now that's a lot of money.

So I actually took it because... I'm weak. 

Besides that gives me a reason to keep trying to be more than a friend with Armin because I'm a man of honor and I have to deliver the goods.

Who am I kidding, I've just been blinded by some asshole's pocket money.    


* * *

_**Just to be sure Jean, is that your new diary?** _

* * *

Don't read it mom. 

* * *

_**Sure but you change diaries so fast, it's hard to keep up.** _

* * *

Stop it. 

* * *

_**Then stop leaving it open everywhere in the apartment.** _

* * *

Now that's my fault ?

* * *

_**It is. Also, I forgot to tell. You just received this.** _

* * *

So... turns out I'm actually getting to college. Frenchie on his way to conquer the american academic system! I've been awarded a scholarship to study at UW, University of the Walls. Huuuurraaay for me!    


* * *

Day's not so bad actually but I'm still in the mood for _OK Computer,_ gotta let go some angsty feels. I can't actually find it though. 

* * *

I asked my mother if she threw it away as well but actually she listened to it herself. Appears she doesn’t hate Radiohead so much. I asked if it was the cute guy with the glasses at the Accounting Department? She nodded in agreement and added: « turned out he was gay. » I said: « don't worry mom, it can evolve. It's fluid. »  I asked her if she knew Freddy Mercury was bi. Of course she didn't but she actually didn't even know he was gay and she had a crush on him. I'm starting to see a pattern. 

* * *

Except my dad was very het and very an asshole. 

* * *

He still is... I guess. 

* * *

So, today I had an actual lunch at the cafeteria with Marco, Ymir and Springer Boy. Ymir talked about how good it was to make out in a car and Sweet Connie talked about the last encounter he had with the Potato girl of his dreams. Marco didn't say a thing. He wasn't pissed, just embarrassed. But he was glad to see me eat. 

According to himself, Springer Boy is making progress... and is planning to invite Sasha to the prom in a very sophisticated way including messages in her top 11 bag of chips. That's... cute... I guess? Ymir is pissed because she can't go with the gal of her dreams herself. 

She said: « Jean, we should go together. »

Yeah... as if! She'd kill me with her awful arm's moves if we go together.

I answered: « Why is everyone talking about this stupid prom all of a sudden? »

She said: « Duh! Because it's prom. » I was like: « So you're into fluffy dress and... how do you say? Corsage? » She said she'd rather wear a tux but that she'd like to see me in such a dress. She said if I accepted, she'd offer me the most beautiful flowers to wear. 

Asshole me: Sorry, I can't go with you... I have to take Mr. “Let's be friend” to the prom.

Ymir: « You have to? » don't tell me... Reiner gave you money to go with him? He's planning on inviting Historia?  

Asshole me: He gave me 300 bucks. 

Springer Boy (being dreamy because Reiner): a good match with an estate.

Ymir: oh... good. With that, I can help you choose a dress.  

Asshole me: It's not likely I go. Armin wants us to be « friends » which means « to never talk again », I think I should just leave the country with the money.  

His holy merciful grace Marco: You can't leave, you're stuck in the country till the end of college, remember. We're totally gonna be roommates!

Forgot to mention... Marco is also a future UW student so he will drive me there. Hurray! Father of us personal driver Marco!

Ymir: Listen Jean, he told you he was afraid you weren't ready to date him publicly... it's not so bad, you just have to prove him wrong. 

Asshole me: How so?

The Lord our Shepherd Marco: Maybe... you could... say... sacrifice yourself on the altar of your dignity?

Asshole me: Which means?

Everlasting Marco: It's up to you to figure out how. 

Asshole me: Jeez... so cryptic. You sound like a self-improvement book you know.   

Mighty Marco: I know. That's my thing. 

* * *

So what do I do now? I should just give Reiner his money back  and stop all this crazy bad shit but like... 

Let's make a list! That's one of the advices I got from  _ Dreams can come true: ten secrets to achieve your true goals and deploy your full potential. _

**Prom pros:**

1: If I'm not useful to Reiner anymore he's gonna be a dick to me again. People haven't called me cockface for weeks! I don't want it to start again. 

2: Let's face it I need a kick in the ass to try with Armin again because like I want to but there's a part of me who's like: « you're no gay Jeanjean! You're no gay! » and I feel like an imposter but still I want to be... like more than a friend... and maybe a bit gay with him but like... I don't know. Anyway, prom is a good goal. Like... not too far away in the future. 

3: I'll get to wear a fluffy dress (Ahah... no) (I'll be fucking handsome in a tux) (Or will I? I think my head is a bit huge considering my shoulders... I have a big head). 

4: It will get Yeager angry!

5: VERY ANGRY

6: DELIGHTFUL

7: It's my last chance to experience this american barbaric ritual. 

8: I'll show the world my amazing dance moves!

9: Everyone at school will know I'm « gay » but who cares, I'll be in college next year!

**Prom cons:**

1: I'm dating Armin for money... yet again.

2: I will kinda lie to him.  

3: He would hate me if he knew. 

4: I'd be awful in a tux, let's face it. 

5: When he's not sexy dancing, Armin's dancing is terrible. 

6: Lots of people from school are actually going to UW as well.

Well... extra extra pros for making Yeager angry. I guess I'm going. 

Also Ymir still hasn't found my diary yet. I'm a bit worried. 

And also, I have to figure out what Marco means by « sacrificing myself on the altar of your dignity ». Gotta ask my mother. 

* * *

My mother told me it was very fin'amor. Like according to some bullshit medieval principle called courtly love, the man has to suffer to be rewarded by his lady's love. Like Lancelot in his kart. Lancelot à la charrette. I studied it when I was like 13 and back then I already thought it was bullshit!

* * *

So, I have an idea but I'm not sure. I think I'll have to investigate, starting with Yeager, Armin's closest friend. Man it's gonna be harsh! It's truly a sacrifice!

* * *

So I found Yeager at the record store. He was with Mikasa. He saw me and ignored me. She also ignored me but that's typical Mikasa, nothing personal. Besides, she was listening to something and seemed very into it. It was pretty cute. 

I tried to talk with Eren. Before I even opened my mouth he said: « What are you doing here? » 

I was like: « Dude... you know I also happen to listen to music sometimes. »

Asshole Yeager: You're so...

Asshole Me: Charming?... Wholesome?

Asshole Yeager: Unwelcome.  

Asshole Me: Wow. Someone still has their panties in a twist. 

Asshole Yeager: Don't think that you have any effect whatsoever on my panties. 

Asshole Me: Then what do I have an effect on?

Mikasa (she wasn't listening to music but to us, checking if everything was going ok): Armin's upchuck reflex obviously. How are your shoes?

Good guy me: Mikasa! Not you too! I know you like Armin a lot but I've done nothing wrong! 

They shared a look. 

Mikasa: Well... technically speaking... you haven't. For now. Better safe than sorry. 

They were so overprotective. 

Good guy me: Listen, I just want to know more about Armin. I want to make up with him... even though I haven't done anything wrong.

They finally agreed to help. I asked them about Armin's tastes in music but Yeager ended up telling more about himself than about him and after ten minutes of him saying that  _ The Kids aren't Alright _ was the greatest song ever, I eventually got tired of him. When he tried to sell me  _ Hell's round the corner _ I started to protest: « everyone knows Tricky stole the music from Portishead. » and he tried to convince me it was the other way around before Mikasa arrived behind us and slapped the back of both our heads. She said: « I don't know what I should have done in fact... making you lean closer so that you could kiss and ease all this tension might have been better. »

She taught us we were both wrong and that the music was initially from the Chef from _South Park_. And Eren was like: «  _South Park_ is the greatest show ever » and I was like: « duh, nothing compared to _Daria_! » 

Before we could really argue, Mikasa ordered us to search for _Ike's rap II_. We couldn't find it but she asked the seller/shop owner, Hannes, and he finally managed to get an old vinyl that he played for us. The dude, Chef or Isaac Hayes, had a very very very deep voice. When we heard him repeating: « love... love... » at the beginning, Jaeger and I shared a nervous look, trying not to laugh. This was almost too sexy to be serious with this smooth music in the background and the guy calling us « love » with the Chef's voice. We couldn't believe Mikasa was actually into that I guess and like, the fact that she closed her eyes and started to nod... and the room filled with this dramatic sexy music... when the brass started playing, the dude repeating: « help me love » Yeager and I burst out laughing. It was mad, we couldn't stop, despite or because Mikasa seemed just a bit angry which, considering her usual pretty neutral face, was both frightening and hilarious. 

After that, they gave me a ride home which was nice. We discussed our different opinions on the songs. Mikasa liked the lyrics in _Ike's rap II_ because Hayes talked about the lack of parents' love and that she, herself, was an orphan. I didn't know at all. She lives with Eren since they're 8. The Yeagers adopted her after having been her foster parents for a while. Eren loves  _ Hell's round the corner _ because he thought it was about ethnic minorities experiences and I was like: « wut? » and I learnt that his family was actually Turkish (the last name sounds german because they first lived in Germany and changed the name there). He looks so white though. I would never have guessed. He said when the Titans learnt where his family came from, they called him « the terrorist » for months. I guess cockface isn't so bad. « And your fav song is Portishead's _Glory Box_ , Jaeger said, I guess it's because the video is full of drag! You're so gay. »

I've seen the video a couple of time and actually, I never noticed that the people were in drag... But like... I nodded and said: « Yes I am. »

Still I haven't learnt a thing about Armin. I said: « Turkish, Asian and gay, the three of you are the picture of diversity. They should have you on the High School Flyers. 

Mikasa: Armin isn't only gay, he has a Cherokee great aunt. 

Good guy me: What?

Mikasa: Just kidding, he's as white as can be. Luckily, he's gay so he can join our club.

She added after a silence:

« And so can you. »

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
>   
>  Here we go sixth chapter which means that you're closer to the end than to the beginning (and they still haven't kissed! AHhh!)! Thanks for new kudos and if you read it! Don't hesitate to tell me what you think bruh!   
>   
> Lots of music talk this chapter. I've read somewhere that music was way more important for teenagers before the Internet but I actually strongly disagree. Music is always important for teenagers as a way of defining themselves in opposition to their parents kinda... or in opposition to anything they want to be in opposition with... in our occidental societies... even before the XXth century romantics were like: we're gonna listen romantic music like REBELS! (tru rebelz they were... lol). So lotta music talk this chapter. And a bit of development for Eren and Mikasa. (yeaaay). And Jean and Ymir being bros because that's very important to me... that they're bros! And also... Portishead/Tricky/Hayes... can't decide which use of the sample I like the most. Maybe Portishead because I've known this song for a longer time ^^ 
> 
> Anyway, thanks to goodguyjean (check her fics and blog) as usual! Fine great awesome dude! And see you guys next week!
> 
>  


	7. If music be the food of love, play on

Ackermann's class. We have to write something using iambic pentameter. Ahah. As if! Armin asked if we had to write it as a sonnet like Romeo and Juliet's prologue. Ackermann was like: « you're not going to fight me on this? » He was like: « I think it's a really good assignment. » Ackermann laughed: « You're messin' with me, aren't you? » He: « No, I'm really looking forward to writing it. » Ackermann told him to get out of his class... For.... nothing!

We went too far with the dude, now he's broken.

Leaving, Armin smiled at me and rolled his eyes like it wasn't so bad. I guess we're really good and he really wants us to be friends but I want more.

Soon!

EHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEH

* * *

So, Marco helped me with this (but I will say I was alone when I'll get caught, don't want to make him even partly responsible). I spent half of Reiner's money to bribe Bertolt from the marching band and Annie from the school's radio and it is time now to sacrifice my dignity! I'm a bit nervous. Wish me luck purple gorilla.

* * *

I think it went well?

So basically, it was PE class and Armin was sitting on the side of the field making a resigned martyr face. I saw him from the bleachers and I was thinking: « how is it supposed to work? It sucks and basically it's the only song the marching band knew that I also knew and it's cheesy as fuck and I don't like it so much and I didn't have the time to rehearse and it's gonna suck and Omygurd it's time » and I started singing this cheesy stupid song trying not to be too self aware and to just prove how eager and ready I was to say: « I'm dating this dude and he's great ».

I (smooth like a motherfucker) (that's not true I was more like... trying to stop my hand holding the mic from shaking so hard because it will larsen everyone and it hurts): _You're just too good to be true_

_Can't take my eyes off of you_

_You'd be like heaven to touch_

_I wanna hold you so much._

I suddenly felt very self aware because everybody noticed where the song came from and they were now looking straight at me. I walked down a few steps and then sat awkwardly.

I: _At long last love has arrived_

_And I thank God I'm alive_

_You're just too good to be true_

_Can't take my eyes off of … youuuuuu._

I was pointing at Armin who was like: « wut? » and obviously embarrassed but smiling... but at the time I thought it was nervous. Anyway, too late to back up. But man I shouldn't have tried to hold the last note because it was TERRIBLE but then the marching band started playing the song and everybody forgot the wrong key because it was catchy. I started moving it was awkward but I tried to play with it. Like it was my sort of silly walk.

I: _I love you baaaaabaayyy!_ (of course it had to say « love » and not like... well).

_And if it's quite alright_

_I need you baby_

_To warm a lonely night_

_I love you baaabaaaay;_

_Trust in me when I saaaay._

I was very slowly turning because I was afraid of falling down. With the music, people were laughing and Armin as well and also, and even I could say it from such a distance,  he was blushing! It gave me the guts to keep going with an even sillier dance tho it became harder and harder to hit the right key with all the moves:

I: _Oh pretty baaaabaaaaaaaay_

_Don't bring me down I pray_

_Oh pretty baaaaaybayyyyyy_

_Now that I found you, stay_

_And let me love you baaybaaayyy._

I finally sat, hoping it will allow me to do at least this sentence right:

«  _Let me love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!_ »

And then two dudes from the security started chasing me. First they grabbed me but I managed to escape. People were cheering and clapping. The band kept playing. Armin smiled. I managed to do more silly moves before letting them get me for real.

Zoe asked me why I did that, I said, « for love » and he said: « yeah... we've finally come to this   pre prom period... Everybody is so horny that the air is actually viscous. Stupid teenagers are ready to do everything to get the girl and eventually rent a room for two after the dance. You can't do worse than this boy who tried to hang a giant poster asking the girl of his dreams for the prom and ended up hanging himself in front of the school. He managed to surprise her... but not in the right way ». That was morbid. « That's morbid, I said. » « I'm just kidding, Zoe said, or am I... ? »

Think I’m gonna do some research in the school archives now.

Here I'm writing from detention. Ackermann is the one watching us and I can say he'd be anywhere but there if he could. I'm so bored but actually I can write my diary at peace. The situation's not so bad. I haven't found the lost diary... but nobody seems to have read it. And last but not least, Armin actually smiled.

Now that I think about it, maybe it's not right at all. Maybe he will be pissed because it was humiliating and cheesy and weird and too much. But all of this is new to me! I don't know how to be a proper gay american. He can't be mad at me for that.

I wonder what the others think of it.  

Oh... speak of the wolf... Armin just entered the room. What does he want?

* * *

Okay... I just have to say what Armin did because it's so stupid and fun and I actually really liked it. By the way, I'm allowing him to re read this page so he will check if everything's accurate. **(He didn't allow me, he begged me to read)** (No Armin was the one begging, he's dying to read my dark secrets) **(yeah... sure...)**

So class was over for him and he wanted to see me but learnt that I was in detention **(I mean... obviously)** he decided we had to be « out » of Ackermann's class again together and came up with a plan. He was like:  « Erm, sir, I just wanted to ask you some details about the assignment you gave us. I have a few ideas. »

Ackermann was already pissed. He crossed his arms and said: « Yes? Great, let's talk about it later »  then he turned away and Armin took the opportunity to « motion » message, silently enunciating: « The window ». I finally got it and discreetly tried to reach the window. He was about to catch me but Armin insisted, touching his arm to get his attention which Ackermann obviously really didn't appreciate: « Sorry sir but I'm really lost, I'm confused... I really need your advice. »

Ackermann (frowning so deeply that he had uni-eyebrow): Funny, usually I feel like you're avoiding my advice.

Again he was about to turn away and I haven't already reached the window yet. So Armin said: « I just wanted to be sure... I was thinking of something like this » and he suddenly started to... recite some Shakespeare... but doing something weird... like a bit of nervous screaming with unbalanced pacing and emphasis on words that shouldn't be emphasized and like... it was awful overall.

**(It was rap and it was glorious, I'm just ahead of my time, nobody can understand yet)**

(Armin, people don't ironically love things enough to ever love what-you-call-rap)

**(We'll see, also I did it for you, it was my answer to your creepy love song)**

(Come on it was adorable!!)

**(… well... I won't say it wasn't. Anyway, here are the sonnet's words, I guess I was being too much of an innovator for you to pay attention to the words:**

_In faith, I do not love thee with mine eyes._

_For they and thee a thousand errors note._

_But 'tis my heart loves what they despise,_

_who in despite of view is pleased to dote.  
_

(Why do I feel not that good reading this? « Despise » « errors »? It seems like your heart's an asshole for making you love a dude as lame as I am)

**(My heart's no asshole.)**

* * *

Sorry, I was just making out with my Bf because I'm BACK IN DA GAME WOOOOH!!!!

**(This sounds super cheesy Jean)**

(Sorry)

So I was out at the time Armin stopped « rapping » **(I'm not pleased by the quotes here)** (I know you wouldn't be Eheh) and Ackermann said: « Man... I know there's no law to forbid white people to rap but I should film you doing that and send it to the senate right now. » Armin was like: « Ok... I just wanted to check. » and he walked away and rejoined me outside. We meet each other in the parking lot. **(You didn't mention you were like striking a stupid pose on someone else's car... which eventually started the moment I arrived)** (Yeah... I didn't mention it.) **(I wonder why.)** (You don't.) **(I don't.)**

I: I'm pretty sure that was cultural appropriation.

He: I'm sorry. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

I: So you were desperate to see me. You couldn't wait?

He: I...

He paused for a moment. Captivated by my look and wisdom. **(I was totally playing it cool and mysterious!)** (Yeah... sure).

I: So... I'm all yours... what do you want from me?

He: Mostly talk... and walk? Let's go by the shore?

So we waited for a bus that would drive us nearer to the shore. We sat next to each other but keeping a distance like two idiots.

He: It's difficult to talk now. It feels like... Erm... I don't know... I have to say something. **(I totally didn't stutter this way.)** (You did).

I: You don't have to... well... I mean... I'd like to have some feedback about the song because it was a first and like... maybe there are some stuff I have to improve.

He: It was nice... really... Just a timing problem with the security.

I: Yeah...   

It felt like we had something to say and we knew what it was and we didn't know what to do and how to make it come out of our mouths. So we talked about Asimov's stupid robots rules and the potential of _Beauty and the Beast_ as a social metaphor and next year at college and Historia's prom dress which is, apparently, fluffy as hell thought it's a bit dated.

In the bus, we talked about the fact that we should make both our single parents meet, setting a parent trap like Lindsay Lohan... kindah?, about Sasha and Connie and and his invitation through bags of chips, about _Redwall_ being better than _Animorph_ but _Animorph_ really had some good points, about the next d &d session, about the drag kings and queens in Portishead's _Glorybox_ video, about Shakespeare being so gay like especially Orsino... and Hamlet and Horatio... and Mercutio and Benvolio and Romeo... and kinda Tybalt. He said I was Mercutio and Eren was Tybalt. I asked him who he was and he said he was the nurse. He didn't explained why. Why? **(Because I'm watching the world burn without being able to prevent it.)** (Makes sense). **  
**

Then we were by the shore and I had this idea to rent one of those stupid pedal-boat. Money was burning my fingers. Had to spent it in stupid things. (Is that because you got the scholarships?) (Yeah! Celebration!)

So in the boat, away from civilisation and social expectation **(it was only for half an hour and we weren't so far out actually)** (true but the symbol!) **(ok)** he finally spit it out. He told me he had been dating Reiner secretely two years ago. Not really dating but like... they did stuff. How far did you go? **(I'm not sure it's good to discuss this right now)** (I'm sorry but I want to know) **(Ok fine, I'll only say it out loud)**

...

I'm not so sure I wanted to know.

**(SEE!)**

Anyway, Armin was in the closet and so was Reiner. Until Armin decided he didn't want that anymore and came out... And Reiner « dumped » him and he was out of their group of friends. We don't know if Reiner's like me or like Armin but he has a secret and that's why he overcompensates and also why nothing really awful ever happened to Armin while being out is kinda dangerous. He kept track of him... insulting him sometimes just to prevent something worse to happen.

So I guess he isn't so bad a dude... he just has to manage jerks. He's no hero but like... if, say, Daz was in his place, things would be way worse for us at school... I guess.

After having told me about that, Armin told me he thought I really was a rude and loud person though I wasn't wrong about everything... I was like: « Come on! Eren's way louder than I am! » He said: « but not so rude. »

He had a point.

He: So what's your excuse?

I: For what?

He: Acting the way you do?

I: Don't know... It's a bit immature... well it is sometimes but deep down, I just don't like to do what people expect. Why should I live up to other people's expectations instead of my own?

He: I get you. You disappoint them from the start and then you're covered, right?

I: Something like that.

He smiled and it was adorable. (JEAN!) (I'm just stating a FACT) (It sounds very subjective) (it was adorable, I could make a poll, everybody would agree you were adorable.) (Tssk)

He: Then you screwed up.

I: How?

He: You never disappointed me.

That was... that was heavy and weird. **(Charming and adorable)** (okay, heavy and weird and charming and adorable). Like I felt I had to do something right now but a move on the boat was a bit risky. Death by first kiss on a boat that leaded them to drown with their pedal-boat.

 **(So you thought about our first kiss at that moment!)** (You didn't?) **(I've been thinking about it for a while.)(When did you first think about it?)** (The Basement. You were sweating and it was a bit sexy).

Finally... because silence was heavy, Armin pointed out the sign of a paintball game: « You know what would make men outta fags like us? WAR! » I agreed and we peddled towards the shore. Wasting money! Celebration! Yay!

So we went there and got soon covered in paint. I wanted to play friendly but Armin is a merciless bastard! **(I'm just good)** (No you're not. Else your hair wouldn't still be so red.) We ended out flirtplaying like hey... come on for a hug here's some paint! And at some point we kissed. **(You're not telling it right at all, your diary needs to know that you abused of your height and physical strength to catch me but I struggled and we fell in a hay and then you were above me and still hesitating, I don't know why. I mean... I was being pretty clear right? And so I grabbed you by the collar and finally Boom!)** (Boom?) **(Do we need to be more graphic? Your diary is still young and innocent.)** (We totally kissed and then have some lip action and a bit of tongue before Armin took advantage of the situation to hit me with a yellow paintball.) **(I did and I'm not ashamed!... also « a bit of tongue »?)** (well... « tons of tongue » if you prefer) **(that's not true... I'm gonna show you what I call « tons of tongue ».)**

* * *

So now that I'm alone, (which is saaaad I missss hiiiim) (but also a relief) I'm wondering if Reiner had like... gaydared me like... he knew something was up with me... for real and like... played the weird Cupid... Maybe I'm giving him way too much credit because he's not at all that smart and is just really into dating Historia to impress his buddies.

What if he knew she was a lesbian and they were using each others as covers? Historia doesn't seem to know he had this history with her brother.

Ugh now that I think of it, it's so weird she's kinda dating her brother's ex. I'm so glad to not have siblings sometimes.

Anyway, I should tell you since I'm being honest... I suck for not having told Armin about Reiner and the money but like... I didn't feel like it? I don't want Armin to think I'm so bad a person after what he said. I know I'll have to say the truth, eventually. And the later the worse... but just... not now.

* * *

I should call him and tell him.

* * *

I shouldn't.

* * *

I hate myself. Really! I suck! I should just... Ack! Don't know!

* * *

Armin's lips are so... great. Like I'm sure I'll sound like an awkward creep saying this but the way he makes tiny moves and pinches mines with them is so cute and it gives me a weird feel but in a good way. And the little sounds and gasps and the fact that he can't kiss for too long because he forgets to breath and the soft skin of his cheek. And his hair! Did I mention how much I love his hair? SO SOFT! Well... a bit dry maybe (after the paint) but overall very soft. I love to sniff it. I love to sniff his neck also. Right under the ear I love to kiss. I love love love love his smell and warmth and the awkward wrinkle when he grins because he's embarrassed and I love how tiny he feels but yet firm because when he hugs he grabs very strongly. Love the way his hands grip my shirt and what's under it, back, hips...

I sound like an old perv. We just started kissing and I'm already horny as fuck! I shouldn't be so eager to go further... like it's terrifying overall and like... maybe after a dude like Reiner, I'll be ridiculous... and lame...

But still I really like his body. I think... from what I saw and held.

* * *

I'm so doomed if mom reads this. We're gonna use condoms mom, I swear! OKAY! If we ever get to have sex.

* * *

She really stopped reading my diary I think because else, she would have not that subtly commented on my new gayness. Or maybe she's holding herself back and knows everything.

* * *

« Turns out, Reiner actually might be homosexual, I told my mother.

\- Knew it, she said. »

No way to know if she reads my diary.

* * *

**_I don't._ **

* * *

Mom!

* * *

_**Come on Jean! I really don't but you left it open on the kitchen's table while I was washing the dishes! You asked for it.** _

* * *

Okay... I kinda did...

* * *

_**Why?** _

* * *

I think I'll answer if you ask me again about my special person.  

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the iconic scene of the movie (HEATH LEDGER BEING DREAMY AND SINGING I LOVE YOU BABY <3) you should check it. It was a bit awkward to write it all in the form of a diary I must say but overall, rereading it I don't think it's so bad. I must say I really like the end of this chapter because Jean/mom. And at long last they kissed! Huzzay! Also in the movie it's Pat (so Jean in the fic) who's saying the "you never disappointed me" line (which is so cute it hurts ><) but I wanted to do some reverse in the flirting and so it's Armin who takes initiatives now that he's more sure of Jean's feelings and of his own feelings. 
> 
>  
> 
> Also thanks again to goodguyjean (go check her fics) who reread this chapter :) she noticed that Jean was using the diary to communicate with others. I think at this age he's not so good with talking (except with Armin... they have sass chemistry :P) so writing helps him to like... collect his mind and be less rude.
> 
>  
> 
> See you next week! Three chapters more and it's over (so soon :))
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  


	8. The course of true love never did run smooth

Hey Will... 

Armin decided to call the purple gorilla diary Will because of Shakespeare and Ackermann so Will it will be. 

I'm currently in detention and I'm bored and I've decided to make a list of men I never really admitted to find hot (like I used to say it as a joke) but actually find hot (the diary is becoming more and more girly) (still, since I'm writing in English it counts as a training) (so here's the list) (no particular order):

\- Gérald from the G-squad (if I remember him right... G-squad was a thing last year in France but obviously, here, they aren't I haven't seen his face in a long time.)

\- Humphrey Bogart

\- Mr. Ackermann kinda   


\- Damon Albarn

\- Kurt Cobain

\- Will Smith 

Pacey from _Dawson's Creek_ (I don't know the actor's name okay) (and I don't watch the show that much) (Okay I totally used to because it's fun to see high schoolers talking like 40 years old doing a therapy. Pacey was the best) (What's the actor's name already?)

\- Freddy Mercury (I shouldn't include dead people... should I?) 

\- Jacques Perrin in _Les Demoiselles de Rochefort_

\- Gene Kelly but not in _Les Demoiselles de Rochefort_

(And you know what it's not even me who discovered the movie, which is French obviously, it's not my mother's jam nor mine but... like Armin showed it to me because he has this thing for musical even tho he says he prefers badass musical like _Little Shop of Horrors_ and the _Rocky Horror Picture Show_ and he was like: « Jean, it's your own culture! You have to see it! » but actually I missed half of it because we were making out mostly and it was a bit intense like hands under shirts and like we never went « very » far because we were in his living room and we knew Psycho Dad wasn't far (he wasn't explicit about it but Armin said at first we shouldn't go to his room alone to convince him we could get a hold of ourselves... I think we failed at this)... my dick hurt... is it getting too fast?... it kinda feels like a deflagration like years of concealed libido and desire towards men exploding.)

(Or maybe it's just because it's Armin... I love his ass, man!... I was like, no touching under the hips, stopping my hand at the end of his back and like, all of the sudden, he just grabbed my hands and put them where they should be. Tiny ass... I stopped. I was blushing. He was blushing. We didn't dare to look at each other for a sec... then we burst out laughing because it was stupid and we kissed (I cupped his ass).... and then we had to stop because Historia was passing by. She said: « eww, get a room! » and Armin said: « you homophobic », she said: « if only... » and I said: « you're jealous » and she said: « that’s more like it ». And then Jacques Perrin started to sing: « _je pourrais vous parler de ses yeux de ses mains, je pourrais vous parler d'elle jusqu'à demain..._ » and I thought that Armin would be great in that kind of sailor suit Perrin is wearing. I said: « I want you to wear that at some point. » and Armin was like: « Nope never » and I was like: « come on! The pants are very flattering »... anyway that's not the point I was supposed to make a list).

I'll add the dude with the ponytail who smokes a lot and is with the hot purple haired lady in _Evangelion_ (I already have hard time remembering american names, don't ask me to remember the japanese ones) and Trent from _Daria_ but they're animated... does it count?

* * *

Armin was waiting for me after detention. How nice. He said he had some work to do anyway and that he won't always do that. What kind of work exactly though? It's basically over for us! 

I got more information about the Reiner/Armin situation because I asked Armin about how he started to like musical and he admitted it was Reiner... like... he already knew RHPS and Little shop but not the rest... the rest was Reiner. I asked: « did you make out in front of _Les Demoiselles de Rochefort »_... I think I'm a bit jealous. He said « nope... I discovered this movie later and it's too French and weird, even for Reiner. It was nice to hear... I guess. 

So, their relationship was: buddies who secretly have sex and Armin thought he would never have anything better than this shitty relationship but like at some point he thought he deserved better.

Armin was like: « Enough, I can't keep it a secret anymore »

Reiner was like: « if you're out, then it's over for you and me and you and the buddies. » And Armin was like: « HEY WORLD I'M GAY »

and Reiner was like: « Okay it's over...FAG. »

« But anyway, after reassuring me, Armin said: « I'm sorry if it sounds corny... like... I... it's maybe a bit soon to say such thing but I... erm... I really feel... good with you. So it's not the same at all. »

« Not the same » as in « Jean is the best! » It wasn't too soon at all. As long as he doesn't say straightforwardly he loves me. 

Thinking about it, it wouldn't be such a big deal. Technically we already confessed to each other with a cheesy song and terrible rap. Like... Yes there's a difference between « love » and « like » but when our bodies are pressed together I feel more « love » than « like » and it shouldn't just be such a big deal. I love him he loves me, we're on the same line. No need to say a word.

He: So I think I'm being very honest with you. It's your turn. Tell me something I don't already know about you. 

I: My mother's a spy. She works for the DGSE...

He: The DGS... whatever... What about your father?

I: Absent. Nothing much to say. An asshole because my mother and I are amazing.      


I didn't really want to talk about my father at the moment. We were saying goodbye by kisstalking near the bus stop. Not directly at the bus stop because people can see and like... I don't know if I mind so much or if Armin minds so much but it would suck to think about them watching and judging while kissing. I mean... OK, I'll mind it. OK I mind it. I just held his hand after paintball and even though I was in... love bliss? I was self aware because bad looks from assholes in the streets. Not all of them were paying attention but just a few are enough. I'm not used to hide. Sometimes I just want to be demonstrative and I feel that Armin is tensed and I remember. That sucks.

But kisstalking is great and he understood I didn't want to talk about my father. He made me listen to a stupid cheesy song that said « kiss me » over and over.. but it sounded like a lesbian song because the girl singing was obviously singing to another woman.

I: I feel like listening to your sister and Ymir making out.

He: Why?

I: Come on, the singer's obviously talking to a girl. She asks the other one to « bring her flowered hat ».

He: Men can wear flowered hats... They're more likely to do so than Ymir is and more likely to sing this kind of song.

I: Are they? My mother once worked at the Prix de Diane and no man was wearing a flowered hat. 

He: I have no idea what you're talking about. 

I: It's a horse race and if you're a woman and you wear a hat, you enter for free.

He: And yet you think American prom is ridiculous. 

I: I never said we were better.   

He: Anyway... I think you're seeing gay everywhere. It's normal, it's all new for you. But I think it's more likely the song is perfectly heterosexual.

I: Oh no... Heterosexuality everywhere!

He (laughing): Don't focus on gender Jean, it's more fluid than you think.

I: Dude, you're gay, I'm the fluid one. 

He: Is dating me so different from dating your ex girlfriends… because I’m a man?

I: Yes it is.

He: Really?

I (A- smooth and kissing his neck): Yes... but not because you're a man... because you're sweet, and sexy and completely hot for me.

He: You're amazingly self-assured. Has anyone ever told you that?

I: I tell myself that every day, actually.

And we kissed and kissed and kissed and then we had to leave and I miss him. 

* * *

Thinking about the love/like question again. Does he love me? Like there was this bad rap but it was even a bit cryptic. Like it said I kinda sucks.

* * *

It's probably too soon to ask such question anyway. 

* * *

Hi Will...

First cigarette in days.

The others can't talk about anything but the prom. Damn it's so BORING! 

I was having actual lunch with Marco, Ymir, Connie (I guess we're sort of a « gang » now) and now Armin, Eren and Mikasa. And it was such a massive pain. Though it brought good news. It's settled now, after eleven bags of chips, Connie is going with Sasha. They talk a lot more and shared an ice-cream the other day. She hasn't talked to Historia about the fact that she drank to « do what a girl is supposed to do at a party » but she will, when she's ready. I hope Connie will help. He's nice but not so subtle and it's a serious issue. But Mikasa and Ymir were also eager to know more so I guess they will help if there's a problem. 

Eren is really anti prom. Just like I am... or should be... He said he really didn't want to go because he wouldn't like the music, the people, the tuxedo, he had better stuff to do, it was a waste of time, it would be awful... But Mikasa insisted on going there as brother and sister to make great memories and other parent's bad cases to convince you to go. Ymir said (bitterly because she doesn't want to go if it's not with Historia): « Why do you want to go so badly Mikasa! I mean, you're not the social type. » 

And after some time she admitted she wanted to go because her nemesis, DJ Annie from the school radio, was going with Bertolt from the marching band and she wanted to look dashing and great in front of her and not like the type to avoid prom. Apparently, they've been fighting in a hardcore competition in soccer, basketball and Muay Thai for years. Prom would be the great finale. Eren whispered to me: « It's kinda like us... except they're both way hotter than you and me. » I must say I smiled... but I tried not to. Eren is more tolerable now... even though I avoid talking about subtle subjects when he's around because he quickly pisses me off. Armin says we have a lot in common actually. We're both into brit pop rock music, so-called-adults cartoons and Tolkien (I don't like Tolkien... I just like the Lotr universe, that's' not the same).

Ymir (still bitter): If you want to impress her by going to the prom with your brother, it's not likely.

That didn't seem to have crossed Mikasa's mind but, again, I didn't even know Eren and her were sorta siblings so... 

Holy everlasting righteous god Marco: If you want to, we can go together, Mikasa, and Eren won't have to endure this « stupid prom », I'd like to go actually. 

He gently took her hand and kinda bowed in front of her like for a proposal (it was obviously to make us all laugh but it was kinda dreamy... I should have added Marco to the hot dudes list): « Will you go with me? » he said. Mikasa just nodded. It was a good laugh. 

And right after that, Ymir (still bitter) turned to Armin and I (we were quietly watching them but under the table, he was drawing smileys to express his thoughts on the back of my hand with his finger) and said: « So... you two are going together. Who will wear the dress? »

He (drawing a not smiling smiley): I won't go. 

I (trying to not panic because I just remembered the money I spent and Reiner and the fact that I was in deep shit if I didn't go): Why not?

Armin looked at me, obviously surprised. He stopped touching me under the table:

He: Because I don't want to go. It's a stupid tradition. 

I: Come on, we will represent! People won't expect us to go. 

He: Jean... I don't want to. 

I: Come on... go with me! It will be fun.

He: Why are you pushing this? What's in it for you? 

I: I... I just... want to experience this American tradition. 

He: You said it sucks. Besides, going with another man will probably be an awful experience. 

Connie was looking at Ymir like she fucked up. She looked at me like I fucked up. Marco was hiding his face in his hand. Mikasa and Eren didn't seem to understand what was up with me. Too much tension! I hadn't been smoking for days but I got up and left them: « Where are you going? » Armin said. 

« I need a cigarette. »

He said:

« Then don't expect a kiss! »

I said:

« I don't care! » 

I do care... and it's stupid! But like... the situation is so... Darn! It sucks!

* * *

Hi Will  

Waiting for Historia for her French lesson. What is she doing already? We're never studying French anyway but it's a good way to easily earn money and money I'll need... and a good health insurance, because I'm not likely to go to the prom with Armin after all and Reiner's gonna kill me. 

Fuck it!

Of course she arrived right at the time I started to write. 

* * *

So, she seemed pissed but, for once, She let me be a good French tutor. 

Good tutor me (reading that shitty book full of bullshit... WHOEVER SAYS THAT IN FRANCE? No one! That's the answer! But maybe it was written by French Canadians... or Belgians... those dudes are weird):  Puis-je vous offrir un navet ?

Her imperial majesty Historia (not being very correct because « du tout » can't be said of a « navet »): Pas du tout. 

Good tutor me: Où est le crayon de mon oncle ? (WHO THE FUCK WANTS TO KNOW WHERE HIS UNCLE'S PENCIL IS? Like is it a golden pencil? A magical pencil? I need context.)

Her imperial majesty Historia: Je ne sais pas... peut-être dans ton cul. 

Good tutor me: Okay you're being rude! Qu'est-ce qui se passe?

Her imperial majesty Historia: After what happened at the party, I'm having second thoughts about Reiner. I think I will ask Ymir to go to the prom.  

WUT... wutwutwutwut? Her highness changed her mind? Just like that? What about me?

Asshole me: And can you tell me why? Like, you still have one year to be the token lesbian at school... and like...

Her imperial majesty Historia: Which side are you on? I just want to live for myself! To live proud! Just like you and Armin and I need your help. Because you don't seem to be aware of this but our school is still under heteronormative rules from the 50s and they only allow straight couples to go to prom.

Asshole me: What?

Her imperial majesty Historia: Yes. So, I want you to invite me and Ymir will go with Armin. Officially.

* * *

Thinking about Ymir and Armin as a couple was so absurd. I would have laughed if I wasn't so angry of her sudden change of mind! Who did she think she was?

Pissed off me: Except Reiner is gonna kill me because I didn't respect our agreement to take Armin to the prom! You told me yourself I couldn't face him. He will shred me to pieces! Besides, I think if you spend the night dancing with Ymir, people will notice. And also the fact that you're dating the guy who's dating your brother! I wasn't exactly being discreet with « I love you baaabyyyy » and all.

Her imperial majesty Historia: But you couldn't have taken him to the prom anyway because they didn't change the rules yet! But they'll do so after the prom because I'm totally gonna be crowned queen with Ymir as king and they'll change the law for us.

Just me: That's... ambitious...

I hesitated for a sec but did I really have the choice...  besides, she was being revolutionary even if it was for a stupid tradition. I had to agree. I agreed. 

Her imperial majesty Historia: Perfect, then it's settled.

Jeez Willy, she's a woman to my taste. She doesn't take no for an answer. If she was actually my real date, I think my mom would love her.

I still have to make up for the cigarette and dramatic exit though. Arh it sucks! It won't work if I sing another song to him, right?

* * *

I just checked in your guts, Will, Reiner was being ambiguous when he handed me the money. He said: « Just make sure you take him to the prom. » which doesn't imply that I have to date Armin at the prom, nor that he has to date Historia. It only means that Armin has to go there. Which will happen so technically, I'm clean. 

* * *

He's totally gonna hit me for that tho.

* * *

Hi Will, 

It's actually Armin who found me after detention. His sister hadn't talked to him yet about her evil master plan for the prom but he still wanted to know why I was so upset about the prom. I think it's what you call maturity. Like we're in a mature relationship. We talk. Yeaaah.

Yet I couldn't really answer and it was hard to escape. I couldn't find anything convincing and I just said I sincerely wanted to go. And like... it's not as if I really care about those traditional bullshit but like... I want to do stuff with him and I think this might actually be fun... Before Reiner destroys my face... but like, we could dance... he could sexy dance with me... He will wear a tux and I want to see him in that and... man it will be hot I think... I mean, it's cliché as hell but like, he will be wearing a tie or a bow tie right? We all agree this is hot? Right? I'll grab it to draw him to me for a kiss... or he'll do it... 

I told him about doing things with him and the hotness of bow ties and ties. Although it was stupid, he seemed as eager to make peace as I was. He remained a bit suspicious like: « why did you get so upset? That was weird. » I said it was also hard for me to stop smoking. I was nervous... and sensitive.

He: So young and already an addict. What a world we live in! 

I: You should pity me, not mock me. Because of my addiction, I won't have a kiss, right?

He: Depends on how many mints you’ve eaten and I won't pity you, you're a young addict who smells like ashtray... and a perv.

I: A perv? 

He: If you just want me to wear a tuxedo and a tie I can do it without going to a stupid prom. I can also wear only a tie. 

I: Oh yeah just wrap your tie around your dick and do some sexy dance.

He looked serious all of a sudden and said: « Jean, that is really gross. »

I was very worried and then he burst out laughing and wrapped his arms around my neck. He was wearing one of those huge flannel shirts... really too huge for him, but since they're so huge the smell of his detergent is strong and it's a good smell. I really like it. « Oh man, he said putting his finger on my forehead, I love your worry frown. »

I: You're mean, I was really afraid I offended you.

He: I'm not my sister, I'm not so easily grossed out.

I: Yeah... but I'm always afraid of you running away. I had hard time catching you... You're slick.

He: Am I? I need more to get « slick ». 

WOW. Wow... First he implied being naked with a tie and then being « slick »... slick like... wow... He's horny right? 

But so am I?

I: That's clearly not what I had in mind. 

He: Yeah... Oh I was just joking I... sorry... 

I: Yeah I was only implying that you were... like you don't change your mind but you’re cautious and at first very cautious and it was sl... ippery?

He: Yeah... yeah... I get it. Don't worry.

He paused for a second and then said: « You know the slippery dick is an actual fish?  _ Halichoeres bivittatus _ if I remember it right. » 

You know what Willy? That's why I love the guy! We ended up talking about fishes and that's okay. 

But we still kissed a bit. 

Like lips and necks and I put my hands under his huge shirt and he put his hands on my butt... like It's a more sensitive area than expected. I almost jumped... at least I gasped in the kiss. He put his hands in the air. « I'm sorry, he said ». I was like: « Don't worry » and it was my turn to grab his hands to put them where they belong. 

That is to say MY ASS AREA.

I had hard time not getting too close for him not to feel how horny I was.

That is to say DESPERATELY HORNY.

I wish we could respect the stupid after prom sex tradition for once. 

Like it terrifies me but I need some release!

* * *

Hey Willy, Armin just called. My mother answered and when he said who he was, she started babbling about how wonderful it was, how eager she was to meet him, how she supported gay rights and yadi yada. When I finally got the phone, he just said:

« My sister asked me to tell you that she wants a red corsage. »

« I'll ask Ymir to help me out. » I answered. 

There was a silence and then he said:

« No, I'll help you. She has terrible tastes. »

I felt somewhat flattered by Historia's confidence in my tastes.

I: So when are we gonna choose the communist corsage?

He: You available tomorrow?

I: Let me check my agenda... well I can shift my appointment with the president at 2pm.

He: Sounds right. Also I will choose your corsage as well.   

I: There's no need... I'm a dude.

He: Don't you want the « experience »? Like that way you'll experience both sides. 

I: Okay... but what about the boutonnière? Isn't there something with a boutonnière? Also did you know you use the French word « corsage » wrong but the French word « boutonnière » right? That's very confusing. 

He: We'll take care of that as well. I guess... wait a minute. 

I waited a minute. 

He: No, actually Historia said she wanted to take care of your « boutonnière. » because of the tradition and also she doesn't want you to wear both a boutonnière and a corsage and Ymir to get nothing so after the dance you'll have to give Ymir your boutonnière as a souvenir and I guess she'll wear your corsage during the dance and will give it to you too at the end.

I: You used « souvenir » right. 

He: can you imagine me dancing with Ymir? 

I pictured his silly walk dance and her armkillers dance. I smiled.

I: It will be delightful to see. I can't wait. 

He: You will look so straight with my sister. 

I: Will I? You're flattering me... or insulting me!

He: I'm nothing you... I'm stating a fact.

I: Aren't we supposed to hate and despise straight people now that we're gay? Don't we have... a mission, to spread gayness all around the world and eradicate heterosexuality?

He: You got it Jean! I like your attitude. Anyway, I've got to hang up now, my father needs the phone. 

I: See you tomorrow. Can't wait. Je t'embrasse, tu me manques. 

He: What did you just say?

I: …

He (screaming): Okay fine Dad! (to me) Sorry... got to go... I guess Oui me too... to what you said.

It's easier to be cheesy in French because he understands yet not fully.

I love him.

I'm so fucked with Reiner!

But who cares?!  

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... with goodguyjean who read edit my mistakes (go read her fics!), we had a very interesting debate about how "slick" a penis can get because usually this word is associated with vagina. Actually from what we experienced/heard, it depends... but it's just like with vaginas... like people haven't the same "slick" level. :D Also "Slippery Dicks" are really fishes... I find this hilarious. 
> 
> Also you should google Gerald from G-Squad... or watch G-Squad music videos (Aucune fille au monde or Raide Dingue de Toi are PRICELESS) best homoerotic boys band (Korean and American boys bands are mostly far behind). The story of the dude is actually pretty sad because he was forced to stay in the closet for his career :( 
> 
> Two more chapters and we're good. What can I say? Jean finally starts to call Yeager, Eren, they're bros... This fic is full of potential ships... it often happens in my stories, I want people to get along and by getting along everyone ends up being very shippable and then I have to choose who will be endgame and... it's hard. You'll see :) Also it was fun to do researches on prom... it's really exotic for me and Jean :P goodguyjean helped me on this with her American wisdom! Thanks again!


	9. All the world's a stage

Hi Willy,

I'm at the mall, waiting for Armin in front of the flower shop. He said he wanted to do things the right way so the corsage is supposed to be a surprise? Right before, we chose a tie because, obviously, I'm not the type to wear a tie. Just a simple dark one and Armin was like checking it by stretching it:

I: What are you doing?

He: Checking its resistance.

I: Is it so important?

He: We can tie each other up with it.

I: You're joking, right?

He: Am I?

He was being playful but I was a bit insecure and like I'm glad we go but thinking about the prom is thinking about Reiner and the fact that I lied and it turns me into asshole me.

Asshole me: Was it something you did on a regular basis with Reiner, tying each other?

He stared at me, obviously surprised.

He: What's up with you Jean. I was just kidding.

I knew it but I hate the fact he did stuff with a dude like Reiner and the fact that it ended the way it ended and that what we have is rotten from the start because I started dating him because of money. It's endless torment! Why is it so complicated? I'm happy but I can't stop thinking about the fact they used to do stuff. And about the fact that I took his money and that Armin doesn't know and that I'm being a coward for not telling him. This is twisted. I said:

I: Sorry... but he's handsome, I understand why Connie fancies him you know. I'm afraid you'll be disappointed by my weak body and dark smoker lungs.

He: I won't dissect you, so won't see your lungs. Also, you're not « weak »... Everyone is weak compared to Reiner   

I: This is stupid, excuse me. We... like... it just started and I already think about sex and the fact that I'm not so great... probably... because I lack experience and... Argh should we have such a conversation so close to a toy store?

He: I also already think about sex you know... and... to be honest I...

We avoided a group of children passing by and a dude with a pallet truck full of furby boxes (I've seen commercial about those, they're terrifying).

He: You had sex with girls before and I know it's stupid but I'm really scared that you'll find girls... somehow... better? Ah! I'm sorry. It's dumb.

I: Okay, you know, with them... it was... like... I was even dumber than I am now at the time. I wasn't able to like... talk the way we do and it was complicated and a bit lame overall.

He: You didn't need to reassure me about that.

I: I was just being honest.

He: Okay.

He exhaled, breathed in and stopped walking to face me, his hands on my shoulders:

He: Then allow me to be honest with you as well.

I: Yeah?

He: Without drawing a comparison, with him, it was experimental and painful... well... sometimes physically painful... You're honest... blunt sometimes, but I like it. It feels safe. See... you said something stupid and immediately explained what was on your mind. I really liked it.

I: You do?

He: Yeah.

We kissed. Publicly but in such a crowd, nobody paid attention to us. I had a twinge in my stomach because... technically I was still lying about something but like, how could I tell him the truth at the moment? With Reiner and all it would feel like betrayal right?

The tie wasn't very expensive but even though Armin told me the place we went was the cheapest, renting tux cost a lot! (And it includes a bow tie... the other tie was to keep because it's supposed to look good on me... does it? Is it really for sex games and stuff?) I'm started to think Reiner didn't give me enough money. It almost costed 100 bucks! Dude! Just for a night. Armin watched me try it on and said I was looking great. The thing made my shoulders broader, I won't complain. BUT IT'S SO FREAKIN' EXPENSIVE!

Armin told me he already had a suit. His father insisted on buying him one for homecoming, saying it was more economical to buy one since he won't grow more and that he will have other occasions to wear it. Armin's growth stopped early and the suit still fits but he never had another occasion to wear it. I, myself, still have the hope to reach 1m80 (what is it already... around 6 feet I'd say) but I haven't grown for months... I wish I was as tall as Reiner. Nobody would bother me. Bertolt from the marching band is taller and I feel people bother him sometimes though.

So, at the flower shop, what a bitch!

At first, the florist seemed to know what to do. She showed us some pictures in a book. Damn it's so... american? Why can't we do the thing by ourselves. It's so damn expensive for stupid flowers that will only last a night. Armin chose a ribbon and we asked for something fluffy, red and white flowers for Historia's corsage. Armin discussed the flower symbols with the florist because he told me his sister would care. I was like: « how the fuck do you know about floral stuff? » The florist was like: « I'm more surprised that you don't know about floral arrangement ; it's supposed to be your thing, right? »

Armin and I shared a look because it was weird.

I said: « Why is it supposed to be « our thing? » « Oh, because it's your thing... flowers... dresses... you're her gay best friends, right? Like the bald guy in _Sex and the City_ , right? » She giggled. I was like: « Ok, I'm out. » but Armin grabbed my arm and whispered between his teeth: « it's the cheapest... »

So I endured her stupidity but Armin released me once we were done with Historia's to choose our stupid floral arrangement. I asked if it was necessary. He said he started the « I'll offer you a corsage » as a joke, but Historia seemed really into it and besides, it would look more normal. Also, he said Historia managed to get Ymir to wear a dress. Wow... now THAT's gonna be fun to watch. Ahah I hope Ymir's dress gonna be extra fluffy! I'm dying to see her like that!

That's probably super «  _Sex and the city_ gay » to say such thing.

Ah... I'm bored... Why does it take so much time to choose stupid flowers!

* * *

Darn! So bored!

* * *

Okay, Here's Armin.

* * *

_**Can you tell Armin's father to make a copy of the photos he'll take before prom for me?** _

* * *

You have his number. Just ask him yourself. I won't. I don't want pictures! I will look ridiculous! Why do I have such a big head!

* * *

**Okay... you really left your diary opened on the table on purpose. What is it Jean? Is it really the size of your head?**

* * *

I'm a terrible human being.

* * *

_**No you're not.** _

* * *

You say that because you haven't read my full diary.

* * *

_**Do you want me to?** _

* * *

NO!!!

* * *

_**Then what about a talk? We can have dinner out? Italian?** _

* * *

Yes... it would be fine.

* * *

So I told my mother about Reiner's money and everything while eating extra greasy lasagna. It was tasty but now my belly feels like it's full of rocks. Maybe because I'm anxious also. My mother was really worried. Like she felt guilty about not giving me enough money and that's everything I wanted to avoid. I don't want her to feel guilty! But I told her it was not her but the Capitalism and the fact that lots of kids at school were loaded and not ashamed to show it. And also my smoking addiction. And it wasn't her fault at all. She said « I'm sorry » quite a few times though. And I did as well. And she almost cried in her lasagna and please mom don't cry in your lasagna I can't handle it.

In the end, she told me I should just tell Armin because if he was to learn it from another person, it would be awful. But also that everyone was guilty because everyone knew, Historia, Reiner, Marco, Ymir and Connie, and nobody told him even though they were his sister... ex... and friends. I wasn't the only one being an ass. And the twinge was back in my stomach because one of my diaries is still missing. What if the person who found it decided to tell Armin. To warn him.

My life sucks.

But like, talking with my mom felt « good ». I mean... it's clearer now. I must tell him.

But I don't want to! He will hate me! He will hate me no matter what I do, it's already too late. My mother said I had no other solution and it's true. There's nothing else I can do. Damn it! What do I do? I'm gonna call him.

* * *

Come to think of it... it's a bit late now.

* * *

Listening to Eren's favorite band Oasis. We made a CD trade to prove each other that the other band was better. Actually... Oasis is no Blur but I must admit I really like _« Don't look back in anger_  ». I should ask Armin to listen before telling him.

* * *

Willy... I must say I avoided you a bit because I'm a coward. Facing you is facing myself and currently, I suck massively.

Today, I spent some time with Marco during lunch (not actual lunch, I smoke and smoke and smoke these days) I told him about how I felt. He really seemed worried... about me and Armin I guess. But wasn't really of any help. He said: « You really love him, right? »

I froze because « love » is a huge word when you hear someone saying it.

He added: « Maybe sometimes keeping things a secret is better. I'll try to talk with Reiner if he gets angry. You're right, he kinda forced you to accept the money and he can't take no for an answer. He's planning on going with Historia anyway since she first said yes... She's as twisted as you are. She hadn't told him she changed her mind already. » What? I guess she doesn't say no just in case she changes her mind again. She seemed decided... but maybe she isn't. People are complicated.

I said we were tormented souls. He laughed. « Yeah, he said, that's tiring but at least you never get bored. »

I smoke two cigarettes.

« I'm doomed, I said. Prom is in two days. I must tell him... and ruin everything... Or I should go and lie and feel awful... and in any case, Reiner's gonna kill me. »

Marco patted my back: « Yeah... pretty much, but I'll be there to pick up the pieces right after. »

« Thanks Marco... that's very... comforting to know. »

* * *

Marco was watching over my shoulder and told me « Willy » was actually yet another name for penis... JEEZ! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU DAMN IT!!!! SO MANY WORDS TO SAY DICK!

* * *

Hey Will...

It's been two days that prom is over. I'm not over it yet. Never gonna be over it I think.

Who am I kidding? It's just stupid teenage drama. Next year I won't think about it at all. Right? Mom told me that but I had hard time believing her.

Maybe I should start from the start but I feel like it's not gonna be so detailed because it was intense and weird... and that it still makes me want to cry like shit. Man it hurts. Man it sucks!

So... I wasn't able to say the truth to Armin before prom. I guess you know what's to come next. It's classic liar revealed plot. You see what's coming and it's painful. Let's write it... I don't know. Maybe it will help.

So my mother helped me with the tie knot and then Marco picked me up at home and Mikasa was already with him. She looked great I think. Her dress wasn't fluffy at all but it was flattering. Blue? Was it blue? I thought Annie from school radio would be impressed. She handed me back my Blur CD and I gave her back the Oasis ones. She said Eren liked _« the Universal »_. I said that of course he liked it because it's a great song and besides Damon Albarn looks great in the video... and Alex James as well now that I think of it. Should have added him to my hot guys list. Also, I didn't tell I liked _« Don't look back in anger »_ , not in the mood. Maybe I'll tell him eventually. If I'm ever to see him again. Which isn't likely since I fucked up with his best friend.

Marco told me I looked great. He was wearing a suit. Would I be the only one in tux? It worried me a bit. I felt ridiculous.

We stopped at Armin's house. He was going with me and Historia with Ymir in her car (which was parked nearby, she was waiting for us) but we were gonna enter the prom as straight couples. Ymir's dress wasn't fluffy either. It didn't look so bad but something was off while Historia fluffy pink dress was like... Barbie doll style and fitted very well. I was a penguin... stupid black and white penguin. And also, I tried to be  relaxed and to look like enjoying myself but I was a bit nervous because of Reiner and I felt ridiculous. Especially when Psychodad took some pics though I'd like to have the one he took with me and Armin. His boutonnière was green and yellow and he obviously didn't took it to match with Ymir's clothes because, with her purple dress, her corsage looked awful. AH I sound so much like _Sex and the City_ gay dude I think. Also Armin told me he knew about flower arrangement because his sister taught him and like, he actually listened because his brain runs super fast and anything is interesting to him and I like that about him.

Ymir and Historia were taking lots of pictures, « just in case » and Marco and Mikasa were still waiting in the car. Armin took my hand and lead my to the kitchen where we kissed, his back against the wall and me being as close as possible, like horny teenagers. I guess that's what we are. We were. The clothes felt so weird because the fabrics were thicker and it felt like I wasn't really touching him but still his smell and lips and hands and hair and everything felt good.

And then Historia called and we were a mess so we checked each other's hair and all to look like almost straight people who totally weren't same sex making out in the kitchen just 2 sec ago.

In the car, we were on the backseat and I kept Armin's hand in mine. I was trying to get the spirit of it but mostly, I was nervous. Marco played some cheesy eighties songs. Mikasa weirdly seemed to appreciate it. Such a weird pair they were. But it kinda worked as mom and dad... Mikasa being the dad and Marco the mom obviously.

« I miss your fights with Eren, Armin said, it's too quiet now. »

Yeah... not for long.

Then we arrived and we took a stupid pic in front of a stupid background Historia and I. I was looking for Reiner. « Don't worry, Historia said, it will be just fine. Now let's trade partners! » I think she was blinded by her new resolution to live happy and proud. She had been worrying about this for so long, after being so tensed, she was way too relaxed. I tried to keep dancing with Armin in more shadowy corners. Still, people were looking at us. I think? Did they? I was so nervous! Maybe they weren't paying attention. Mikasa, Marco, Connie and Sasha weren't far and they danced with us sometimes. Sasha and Connie seemed to really enjoy themselves, doing all those silly moves and laughing together. It was kinda cute. Mikasa looked very serious and weird dancing, like she seemed tensed and focused and once she saw Annie in the crowd, she started being even more intense. Yet something was off. She was so stiff and rigid, doing all the right moves but failing at being graceful in any way.  Annie was somehow sexier but it was kinda frightening. She looked like some kind of dangerous spider about to eat you. They shared intense death stare. Marco seemed a bit embarrassed but he looked at me and we winced and laughed. I liked dancing with Armin though... or I would have. Like he wasn't silly walk dancing nor sexy dancing, we tried to adapt to each other. When we were like really actually dancing together and not dancing in front of each other, I sometimes took the lead and he sometimes did as well. It was weird... but fun. Or it would have been fun if...

« What's up with you? Armin asked. » I said I was just... and then Reiner arrived. I knew exactly what was gonna happen and it was like... slow mo happening... so I could endure fully all of this.

He said: « Hi cockface and cocksucker! So now Historia's a lesbian.seems like something's running in the family. Is your father gay as well? Is that why your mother left? he asked Armin. »

He seemed pissed and sad and torn and I pitied him but I pitied Armin even more. Pity festival. It was awful. I couldn't say anything but Armin answered calmly: « Leave us alone, Reiner. »

He said: « I won't, he owes me something. »

Armin: What?

Reiner: Why do you think he dated you in the first place? I paid him so that I could date your sister. 

Armin: That's not funny.

Reiner: Because it's true, pansy! As if anyone would ever...

Armin remained silent but he would have had all the weapons needed to stab him in the heart... or the ego. To humiliate him. For example he could have said: « he wasn't the first one. » But Reiner was already so pathetic. People were probably already saying stupid stuff like « he turned Historia gay » because that's what gay people are, something funny and weird to talk about. He turned her gay. Poor guy. Pathetic poor guy. Even his Titans bros were probably like that even tho they were behind him quickly. Like « what's up with them Reiner? » « Is there a problem? »

« Yes there's a problem! he said pointing at me, this coward owes me 300 bucks! »

And then he punched me in the face... and you know what? I think I deserved it. And like, it's very blurry because it wasn't a « pansy » punch and I fell on the ground but people were watching and I was looking for Armin without seeing him. And Reiner told me stuff about running away again. And then, Historia arrived, emerging from the crowd and punched Reiner in the face:

« That's for Jeanne, she said, forgetting how to pronounce my name with the tension, that's for my brother, she added, and that's for me! »

She hit him two other times saying that. Ymir was right behind, screaming in panic and then cheering.

Now that I think of it, I haven't mentioned it yet because Armin told me about it while I was avoiding writing because I felt like shit (now I write because I feel like shit) but he told his sister about his history with Reiner. Just to make sure she doesn't change her mind again and also because sharing with siblings is important? I guess?

Anyway, beating Reiner the way she did was totally badass. And then, Reiner was about to fight back but not Historia, he was aiming at me, but then Marco did something unexpected. He stood in front of me and said to Reiner:

« Don't you think it's time to be honest with yourself. »

Reiner stopped. The look they shared was intense. Even more intense than Annie and Mikasa's. Marco didn't move. Behind Reiner, Daz made a comment like: « what's happening? Just punch him, Reiner. » and then Sasha, following Historia's example, punched him in the face as well saying: « That's what sluts do at parties! » And he seemed so surprised he fell on his ass and Connie cheered and Sasha hugged him and like, Titans were about to fight back even though they were a bunch of hunks against shrimps and women. (badass women but still). Mikasa stepped forward, silent and menacing. If she was to fight, I knew it won't end well.... I was glad she was on my side.

But Reiner stopped everything by saying:

« Fuck this, it's not worth it. Let's go. »

And they left us like that. Mikasa and Marco helped me off the floor. I immediately asked where Armin went. « He left the room, he said. »

I haven't seen him since then. We searched for him but couldn't find him. The adults supervising weren't helping, they pushed us outside. We ended up in a fast food restaurant that was still open. Mostly, the girls were congratulating themselves for such a great action but we all felt a bit shitty about Armin. Very shitty.

Especially me.

I still feel like a massive pile of crap, a gigantic turd... like... Merde!

But Marco wasn't feeling well either. I guess. He explained he was Reiner current secret boyfriend, that he had actually been his secret boyfriend for a year now. And I was like, half joking: « Is everybody around me gay? » And only Connie and Sasha denied that. We laughed together a bit at least. It was a bit forced and bitter and the fries were hard to swallow but like, it felt good not being alone in the crap.

Except that now I feel like I'm alone because nobody called since then even though they all said they will try to talk to him and will keep me in touch. I guess it's hard to swallow as well that your ex bf paid your current bf to date you in the first place.

Man it sucks.

But like... in some weird way I'm relieved. Like... it can't be worse. It's done now. What I feared the most and couldn't avoid happened. Phew!

But I miss him and I'm worried about him and yet so afraid to call and yet I have to know. What should I do now? I should apologize and try to make up but maybe it's indelicate. And maybe... I don't know, maybe I should wait for him. Ah! What should I do?

* * *

I called and Historia answered and told me: « not yet ». Not yet... then when? Do I have to make the first step? Do I have to wait?

* * *

Damn, since Reiner hit me my eye is so black. I look like a pirate.

* * *

AHHH WHAT SHOULD I DO NOW?!!! I'M SO

Wait, someone just rang the doorbell and mom says it's for me.

* * *

Will... it was SO WEIRD.

I hoped it was Armin of course but it was Marco. He sat in front of my tiny desk covered with papers and books and stuff I should throw away but I can't because I'm always afraid of regretting it. I sat by the window, smoking. We could hear the street. We talked... a lot... About the fact that Historia finally wasn't crowned queen but maybe next year because apparently, punching people can increase your popularity and everyone likes her even more now that she beat the hell outta Reiner. About Mikasa not denying the « gay question ». About Sasha punching Daz. We talked about Armin... he talked to him a bit and pleaded my case but Armin wasn't really eager to listen. Though he said Marco wasn't the worse because he isn't so close to him and he understand he was torn and had his friends' interests at heart. So Marco's forgiven. Not me obviously. « Don't worry, Marco said, I'm really not so sure I deserve forgiveness either. »

We talked About Reiner and what he went through with him because he had been in love with the dude for quite a while and saw him getting closer to Armin and saw them break up and he jumped on the occasion... like a coward and an opportunist. Marco said he thought he wasn't ready to be out himself so it didn't bothered him at first to be Reiner's secret bf until the dude started chasing Historia... It seemed to really matter to Reiner who had several not so important girlfriends before. Maybe because it was Armin's sister. It's weird. And then, Marco saw me and he thought way before Reiner and even myself that I might not be straight.

Why does everybody, including my mom, have a gaydar while I'm totally oblivious to people's gayness. He even knew I was bi before I knew it. He... and Reiner!

Not so holy Marco: There's also something I wanted to tell you and yet never could.

Clueless me: Wut?

He searched for something in his backpack and pulled out nothing more than my missing diary. I looked at him without understanding:

Not so holy Marco: I read it if you want to know. English and handwriting aren't so bad.

I: Thanks... I guess.

Not so holy Marco: I'm really sorry.  

I: Why? I mean... why did you keep it... and why didn't you just... put it anonymously in my locker.

Not so holy Marco: I feel guilty for reading it... I wanted to know you. I wanted to be sure...

I: About what?

Not so holy Marco: Everything... I'm not... I guess I had a bit of a crush... on you... and I know it's Armin that you love. It was obvious. Even without reading. But I had to be sure.

I remained silent for a while without looking at him. I understood too well what he had been through.

I: I don't know what to say.

Not so holy Marco: No need to say anything. It's complicated enough.

I: I guess it is.

I laughed. He didn't.

I: You... you like me.

Not so holy Marco: Kinda. I'm also jealous of what you had with Armin... It's a bit of both. Also... I want to be more like you.

I: Do you? I wish I wasn't myself right now.

He laughed. I did as well.

Not so holy Marco: It's complicated.

I: Yeah. You already said that.

Not so holy Marco: But from what I read and saw, I'm sure it's gonna be ok with Armin. Just be honest with him.

I: It's supposed to be my thing...

Not so holy Marco: It is. And I like it. It's very attractive.

What is it with gayness? I never has such a success with girls when i was « straight ». Who's next now? Eren?

I: Wew... yeah... well... thanks... I guess.

Not so holy Marco: Don't worry. I'm sorry... I'm... Things aren't easy... I've been thinking a lot these days... thinking of coming out at some point... of what it will involve... I thought about Reiner also... I don't have much room for new feelings anyway... I guess. So...

I: It's hard to say no... with you not even asking anything but I'd say I haven't much room for new feelings either.

He smiled at me:

Not so holy Marco: Yeah. I know. I was just thinking that like... I owed you the truth... and I have to give your diary back.

I: Thanks, it's a relief. Of all the people who could have found it, you're the least worse... the best?

Not so holy Marco: That's because you wrote only nice things about me but see, I'm not so holy. 

He stayed a bit more, we listened to music and then watched some TV with my mom.

When he left, I reread bits of the old diaries, the pink one with heart shaped lock, the lost and found one... and you, Will.

I think I know what to do.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Penultimate chapter am I right? Liar revealed plot and twists (I hope it was a bit surprisig... :D tell me :P) and all is almost solved! But the fic won't stop in the next chapter, I've written a bit more... like bonus chapters. Ouh yeah! A few notes:
> 
>  
> 
> \- Thanks to goodguyjean as usual (go check her fics) she also gave me some information about prom but I did my research first and I was exactly right on some points! 
> 
>  
> 
> \- I really like to write groups of character, the gang is awesome! And bits of Annikasa rivalry!
> 
>  
> 
> \- Jearco was my first SNK ship... I had to put bits of it here. I've read too many cheesy high school/freshmen Jearco! But in the end it's a bittersweet "could have been but no".
> 
>  
> 
> \- But Jearmin is endgame. I love Jearmin! Jearmin is life :D!!
> 
>  
> 
> \- Also I'm a Team Blur initially but for this fic I listened to many Oasis song and actually... it's not so bad. (But I've listened to many other bands to write Eren and some I still don't like).
> 
>  


	10. The wheel is come full circle: I am here.

Hey paper... I will just write on you for some time because I gave my diaries to Armin... or more like lended them... even though that's not really the spirit. I didn't reread them to check, I was like, « fuck it, he deserves the truth! » On sunday, I put them in the Smith's mailbox in a paperbag. In it, I put a note which said: « Do whatever you want with them, they're all yours. » And I hesitated to add something like: « I'm all yours as well. » but in fact I think it's very cheesy and inappropriate right now.

And now, I'm waiting for him in Ackermann's class. 

Oh shit... Here he comes. What the fuck is he doing?

* * *

So, Armin sat. Weirdly enough, he wore shades... but I did as well since black eye so we were coordinated. I guess. I was stressed because I didn't know if he had found my diaries and read them... or burnt them already. I didn't know what he thought and I wasn't even able to see his expression with the shades. 

I shared a look with Eren who forgot for a sec that he was supposed to hate me. Ackermann watched Armin as he sat. Ackermann breathed in... deeply, exhaled... longly? Despair was all over his face. And then he said: « All right. I assume everyone has found time to complete their poem. »

Of course I hadn't. I tried to hide myself behind my desk. 

Ackermann (laughing... obviously very pleased by my misery): except for Mr. Kirschtein who has an excuse. Shaft, lose the glasses. I removed them and of course, people started whispering about my black eye. Fuck off! Ackermann was so happy, it looked as if the sun was shining out of my ass... or his? I never got this expression right. He said: « Alright, anyone brave enough to read theirs aloud? »

Armin immediately raised his hand and said in a very serious tone: « I will. »

All joy immediately left Ackermann's face. « Lord... here we go. »

Armin came in front of the class with a paper he had obviously been holding in his hand for a long time because it was all scrunched. The poem was weird. People didn't know if they were supposed to laugh with him or at him... so they didn't laugh at all.  His poem... that's a concept. I mean, I get the metaphor but... weird. And his reading was so cold and solemn as well.

Armin: _I think of the school as parentheses_

_ Where people go wild without thinking twice _

_ Here jungle law rules, the weak on his knees _

_ Is keeping balance with his sacrifice.   _

 

_ The huge gates are kept by the awful Titans  _

_ Devouring those who answer riddles wrong _

_ If you complain they will manage to silence  _

_ Pathetic squeals escaping. They are strong. _

 

_ And thing is, you can never be right, here _

_ Except if you're yourself a Titan or  _

_ Worse, like some hardy cocks which disappear _

_ Before they can catch them and win the war. _

 

_ We're all fruit flies under gigantic stare _

_ Nirvana can be reached if you don't care. _

 

Then, he looked at me over his glasses. He obviously had been crying but... maybe he was just tired. He said: « I wrote it a while ago now... I thought not giving a shit about what people thought was something I should aspire to, but actually... turns out it is not so simple. » 

Did he read my diary... because then he would have noticed I'm not the « not give a shit » kind. Or am I? 

I always considered myself to be honest and it turned out I wasn't SO honest. I don't know who I am anymore. (Okay... much drama, I'm sorry paper) (it won't last sorry... I'm just... having a black eye). 

Then he sat. And Ackermann didn't know what to say. Man, class is awkward after that. Luckily, Eren wrote some shitty poem. Trying not to scream how it is will now be my main focus.

I tried to catch Armin at the end of class but Eren and Mikasa stopped me. 

« It's none of your business, I said. » 

Mikasa: Yes, it is. 

Asshole Jaeger: Armin's our friend! Okay! He was our friend long before hanging out with Reiner, and being out and everything... so when we say it's not the time, you just listen, asshole! We know him!

It was... it actually made sense. I calmed down a bit. And I sighed:

Asshole me: I don't want to bother him... just to know... I wish I knew him as well as you do. 

Mikasa gave me one of her rare and soft smiles. She patted my back... a bit awkwardly (she's the dad again... Marco's the mom). « Listen Gene, she said, he will find you... eventually. But for now it's a bit hard. » « A bit as in: « massively », added Jaeger, his poem was so weird. You traumatized him dumbass! »

* * *

Was the poem about me? He mentioned a cock but... Ehr... it was so weird. Anyway, then they left me to seek for the dude. And now, I'm alone, smoking under the bleachers as usual. It's my punishment for being an asshole. (Sorry again for the drama). 

* * *

Okay... Marco joined me... and then Ymir and Connie and even Sasha (Historia couldn't, she was Alpha bitching something or whatever...) What are we now? A clique? A gang? I've always seen myself as the lone type but I must admit... it's quite enjoyable. We didn't mentioned Armin... we just like had a good laugh talking about stuff that doesn't really matter but are fun. Reiner's dark eye is apparently worse than mine. Historia is very proud of herself. Ymir seemed to be proud as well.  

Then, Ymir was like: « Man... I wish I met you earlier. All this is almost over. »

And we were a bit sad and already nostalgic all of a sudden. Then Marco said we should throw a party just for us before summer. But where? It won't be possible at the Smith's house though it's pretty big. My mother's apartment is too small. Marco has too many siblings. Connie and Sasha said they will ask but Connie also live in an apartment. It's not likely. 

I'm being melancholic now. It will be over soon. I'm gonna miss them. Well except Marco because I'll keep him around (he's a good fellow, a weird one with many stuff he has to work on but I guess I like having him around even still? He didn't mention our conversation. I hope it's okay for him... the fact that he was/is? with Reiner indicates a tendency to suffer in silence... I guess... or even to deny the suffering).

* * *

Or maybe Reiner is a very great guy except when he's with the Titans. Neither Marco nor Armin seem to hate him even though he obviously didn't treat them well. How is really Reiner? Who he is really? MYSTERY...

That I don't want to solve to be honest. Don't know if it's worth it and it will make torture myself again imagining Armin having sex with him.

By the way I'm waiting at the bus stop... alone... I MISS ARMIN SO MUCH.

* * *

My mother was worried when I got home. She asked me if everything was alright. Since she saw my black eye, two days ago, she imagines high school is full of violent homophobic dudes eager to « punch some fags ». When I told her this was deserved, she was like: « If Armin beats you, you shouldn't date him. » and that was so dumb and cute... in a typical « mom way »... I told her what happened at the party but not what happened with Marco. He's not out, it's not of me to say. 

* * *

I couldn't resist even though I knew it was wrong, I called at the Smith's house again. Psychodad answered... I immediately hung up the phone. Then he called back but I told my mother it was some stupid kid trying to play pranks.

* * *

Hey Will... How have you been?

So, as you might guess since I'm writing in you again, this morning, Armin was waiting at my locker when I arrived. He seemed both angry, tired, sad, frightened and overall weird. I didn't say a thing. I had to let him come... I guess. I was shitting my pants because I wanted him to stay and to talk... and also, I wanted to run away because it was hard. He handed me the bag with my diaries. If I had to sit through him reciting 10 times his poem, it wouldn't have been worse.

« I didn't read them, he said, you don't have to tell me everything, I don't have to know everything. Just... tell me what's important. »

I took the diaries back. I felt stupid now. It was obvious, rational... Very mature of him.

« But I appreciate... that you trust me with them, he added, you found the one you lost at the party. »

I nodded. I didn't say it was Marco who took it... and read it. He leaned on my locker, looking at his feet. It was... physically awkward because being with him, even for a short time and even having to stay hidden, I developed tactile habits... and intimacy... and now we should restart everything. 

« Did you forgive me? I asked. »

He didn't look at me and whispered: « I don't know. »

He: But I know that I still want to be with you. 

I: Oh... same for me.

He: I know. And I don't have to read your diary to know it. 

He finally managed to look at me. We shared an awkward smile. I wanted to hug him, to kiss his neck and to sniff his hair. I barely touched his sleeve. He shivered but didn't move and even, seemed to push the contact. 

I: I'm really sorry. 

He: I know that too. You could tell me something new now.  

I: I...

I wasn't able to say it so I pulled you out of the bag, searched for the page where it was written and I showed him. He smiled but said: « You're a coward. »

And then he added, grabbing my own sleeve:

« Me too. »

* * *

 

So I must see him at lunch. Then I should ask him what was up with the shades yesterday... and the meaning of the poem because I'm not so sure. 

* * *

Ok Will, so... We didn't have actual lunch, we hid under the bleachers but I didn't smoke. Since we were alone, I really wanted to actually do stuff and he as well... But we tried to be responsible adults at first!

Actually we were talking calmly about the fact that Rent was more of a guilty pleasure than an actual musical but it was also accurate and weird because Armin was struggling to not become one of those sarcastic unaware of their privilege young adult portrayed in it... and also there were several LGBT characters but they were insufferable so... And then I stopped listening because I was just looking at him and it was too much of a focus. And then he paused and just said: « I don't know what I am saying... I... can I kiss you. » I was like: « I didn't dare ask » and it became quickly kinda wild... weirdly. But we were repeating : « we shouldn't it's too fast » and kissing and laughing and touching and man I've missed it!

And then we stopped like: « enough horn craze, let's talk about business. » I asked: « What about the poem? Am I supposed to be the cock and the Titans are the football team and a symbol of normativity... »

Armin was like: « Yeah... it sucked. See, I'm totally like one of those dudes in _Rent_... except I'm gay and I try to be aware. I couldn't come up with something else but it was actually planned to be played as a joke... for you? Like remember _Funny Face_ , when Audrey Hepburn is with the posh so-called philosopher in that french café (we watched this movie with Historia... she's supposed to love Audrey Hepburn but she spent the movie saying her character sucked), I wanted to do something in this spirit with the turtleneck, béret and stupid drum. I still have my costume and the drum in my locker. » 

I: Go fetch this, I wanna see. 

And he did... and... with the stupid little drums interruptions, the black turtleneck, the beret and the shades (he actually wore the shades when he read the poem, he kept them on because tears... I felt like shit when he said it but he shrugged, saying crying was part of accepting his feels and femininity), it totally made sense. No, more like, it was total nonsense but it was a great nonsense. Pretentious parody that managed to remain embarrassingly pretentious while it was actually planned to hide the initial shittiness of his production. I said: « I really want to hate you when you  do that but I can't because you're lovely. » He said: « That's the spirit. But remember that next year I'll hang out with actual theater kids who would totally take that kind of performance seriously. » I said: « Tell me you'll never take this seriously. » He said: « Who knows... I'll hang out with more people like me, maybe I'll find out that it's worth being taken seriously and that laughing at myself was part of an actual defense mechanism. »

We both sighed because we realized we just made up and it had been hard but it wasn't even to be the biggest threat we'll have to face. Next year, he'll be at Eldia college on the opposite coast while I'll be at UW. 

I let myself fall on the grass and laid there. Armin did the same.

I: Man... I don't want to think about it. 

He: Me neither... 

I: So we should kiss again. 

He kissed me gently on the cheek and then hugged me, his face leaning on my torso. I caressed his hair. 

I: Y.. you know... long distance is likely to not work and usually... 

He: Yeah.. I've read somewhere that people grow into different persons in college...

I: And... we just had... sort of a fight... 

He : And maybe it's too fast but... Like... I think maybe we can... 

I: Try?

He: Yes

We paused for a sec and then he said: « We're so serious... » and I added: « And we haven't even had sex yet. »

He laughed and we hugged a bit more and then we had to go back to class.

* * *

Hey Will,

My mother REALLY wants to meet Armin now. Historia gave me the prom photos during our last French session. She told me it had been great working with me and she will never find a French tutor as good as I was even tho we barely studied French: « Regarde comme je fais du progrès » she said. We shaked hands as good co workers. We also traded boutonnière and corsage (I took Ymir's corsage... or what remained of it and she took my boutonnière or what remained of it). It doesn't matter so much but I guess it's a souvenir. Armin admitted he chose green and yellow because of my eyes... even though green isn't usual. That's so... sex and the city gay. But it's kinda cute... and weird... Like I just noticed I didn't even pay attention to his eyes. Are they green or blue or grey? They're not brown, that's all I know. I pay attention to him as whole... I guess... or maybe stupid details. Like his hip bones aren't perfectly symmetric... We didn't have sex already... I just know because we've been hugging a lot lately, as if we tried to imprint the other's body and his bones hurt more on the right side.

They're always together now, Ymir and Historia. They don't like, make out publicly or even hold hands, but to people who aren't blind (and it's true we're not so numerous) it's obvious. 

I really like the pic with me and Armin in stupid suit and tux. We look like penguins so we're both silly posing with arms against the body and trying to have a bird expressionless face. Armin's very good at bird face. I'm sure theater kids will love it at Eldia... Man I will miss him. AH! Hate to think about it but we have summer together!

So anyway, I showed the pic to my mom and she was like: « AHHH YOU'RE SO ADORABLE! » and she reminded me of the flower shop lady so I said: « yeah... adorable like sexy rebel beast having sex. » It was oddly provocative but my mother knows me well so before I noticed this was awfully awkward, she answered: « You don't seem to have sex on this photo... you seem to have FUN and that's also important. »

And then she added: « And what else is important? »

I winced and said: « Consent, Condoms and Confidence. » (It's not quite « confidence »... it's « trust » but it's close enough if I want to keep the three « C ». In French it gives: Consentement, Capotes et Confiance).  

She smiled: « Then we're good. »

I told her just a few stuff about Armin and she already fancies him. She wants to meet him as soon as possible. I guess I don't have a choice. 

* * *

Hi Will,

Party is tonight at the beach because that's what we do! Marco is gonna pick me up. I am with Armin right now. We're listening to good old shit: Rolling stones. Though I'm not so sure it's so good shit since Armin told me it's also one of Eren's favorite band. Dammit!

Sadly, my mother is working late so she still hasn't meet Armin. Next time...

* * *

Still at the house. We're late for the party because... You won't believe it WILL, Marco brought a drunk shitty Reiner with him. He told me he didn't have the choice since the dude just came to his place in daylight totally fucked up and he couldn't just... tell him to go or just leave him with his siblings. So he took him to my place, knowing my mom was cool (except she's not there). And he's sorry sorry sorry sorry (he apologized at least a million times except he doesn't have to, Reiner's the asshole!) Armin is pissed, I am as well, Marco is embarrassed and Reiner lays on my bed and he'd better hold back his vomit, else I'm gonna kill him. 

Marco: He has problems with his father. 

Asshole me: I. DO. NOT. CARE. 

Marco: I'm sorry. 

Armin: You shouldn't have to take care of him, Marco. 

Asshole me: And don't apologize for him being a twat. 

Marco: I can't just... He's really not well. 

Armin: Euphemism. You said it's about his father? What happened?

I sometimes forget Armin used to be very close to him and now I'm jealous. I hate this. 

Armin just asked if I was gonna write what they're saying. I said: « Since I can't go to the party, I prefer keeping myself occupied. » He said it was likely to be very private and intimate and I shouldn't write it in a diary I already lost. I said my writing was bad enough to not be read by anyone. Marco didn't say a word but his thoughts were audible. Armin said I shouldn't write anything, then Reiner woke up on the bed and said: « Write whatever you want in your diary pansy, I don't care. » And then he told us what happened. 

He just learnt he's got a sport scholarship at the University of Marley which is apparently a huge thing and he was pretty happy and proud and like... no I'm not saying things in order here.

Let's start again! His father had, like, a double life, like he's been cheating on his wife with Reiner's mother and she had him and raised him as a single mother but sometimes the father sends money Nothing more. Reiner never actually met him but he chose the university because he searched for his father address and managed to find it by stealing his mother's bank statement and his father's money was sent under his real name and he learnt he lived in Marley. 

So Reiner wanted to meet his father and since the university is really a thing, he... kinda hoped the dude would be proud of him. Also it's been a while so he hoped he was more likely to accept him now. 

That's so naive... I guess you see it coming Will. He went to Marley and there, he called his father from a phone booth near his house and told him who he was and that he was in the city. The father agreed to meet outside. They went to a diner. Obviously, his wife didn't know... Obviously he had other children, some younger than Reiner, obviously, the first thing he asked Reiner was: « How much do you want? »

And when Reiner tried to explain he was just there to meet his dad and that he chose the university to be closer to him, Mr. Worst Father of the Universe got angry and said Reiner was nothing to him and that he'd better leave now because he was risking his all family and he was being so selfish and other criticisms that were obviously directed towards himself (that's what my mom's self improvement book : « How to deal with everyday anger » says at least) but that Reiner received and it hurts.

And now he's all drunk and sad and he cried on my bed and 

Shit... We're gonna miss the party!

But... on the other hand... he really doesn't seem well. He's not saying anything, his eyes are closed but we know he's awake. Sometimes, Marco asks him very gently if he's ok and he just grumbles back at him. Asshole!

His story is really shitty though.

It's a trap Jean, don't start relating to the dude or you'll end up like Marco, taking care of any gigantic assholes that you meet (and I include myself in the gigantic assholes who met Marco's list.)

Damn!

* * *

So... we didn't go to the party. FINE. And since there's room for only one person at my place, Armin and Marco had to leave and I'm alone with Reiner who SNORES LIKE A FUCKING STEAM LOCOMOTIVE. 

FINE!

Also, he's on the bed and I'm on an inflatable mattress. ASSHOLE.

At least my mom met Armin. We had late night tea together while Reiner was asleep. Marco is a charmer with mothers. He just knows how to deal with them. He explained for Reiner and everything. She was like: « oh... poor thing. » Armin and my mother got along as well. They talked about psychology, everyday sexism at work, how overrated was French Nouvelle Vague movies and how underrated was Disney's _Ichabod and Mr. Toad._

* * *

So Reiner woke up, he asked for some aspirin and I fetched him some. Then, we had like... a weird but kinda nice talk:

Reiner: Thanks for letting me stay.

I: You should thank Marco... and Armin who convinced me... and my mother who accepted you. 

Reiner: I will but I’ll start with you. 

He sighed. 

Reiner: What time is it?

I: It's 5am. 

Reiner: I should go. 

I: It's saturday, the first bus is at 7.

I rolled my eyes because I was turning Marco here but he couldn't see it in the darkness of my room:

I: You can stay for today if you don't want to be alone. I'm not... the best company... but... like... I know a great deal about absent shitty fathers.  

Reiner: You do?

I: Yeah... He left us when I was 7. Before, he wasn't really anything else but a frightening stranger to me. 

Reiner: You didn't think he was some sort of hero before at least. I always thought my mother kinda trapped him with me so he would marry her. I put the blame on her. That's so stupid. I wish I had a better relationship with her. Like you and your mother. She's cool

I: Yeah... I'm pretty lucky I know... She's great. 

I paused... remembering that I've been seen most of my life as: « the dude with a cool mom »... I think she has always been more popular than me. I'm really lucky... I think... am I?

I: But maybe it's not too late to make up with your mother.

Reiner: I'm not sure... I didn't tell Marco I had a fight with her. She asked me where I was going, what I was up to... she's stifling. I told her everything and left. She was so angry. 

I: Well that was shitty of her I think. You're not the only one to be blamed. 

Reiner: Whatever, I'll be gone soon. 

I: Still going to Marley. 

Reiner: It's still a great opportunity. Doesn't matter if some asshole lives nearby.  

I: You got it bro. 

We sighed... I felt he was opening up to me and like... it was a rare opportunity and wasn't to happen soon... or ever again. I asked:

I: You're gay?

Reiner: Wow... not interested in you if that's what you want to know. 

I: Very clever. So are you? 

Reiner: And you?

He was defiant all of a sudden so I tried to be honest with him:

I: Depends on the person. Gender's not so important I guess.

Reiner: You say that because you haven't had any sex yet. 

I: Is it so different? And how do you know?

Reiner: You smell like a virgin. 

I: I'm no virgin. 

Reiner: Ass virgin. 

I: Wh... Asshole! Whatever. There's no obligation to do that. It's stupid!

Guess I was feeling a bit vulnerable on that topic.

Reiner: Then how do you have sex?

I: Sex is whatever you like with people eager to participate...

Reiner: Then football is an orgy and there's no virgin on earth.

I couldn't help but laugh at that. Yes... football was pretty gay. I heard him smile. Just smile. 

Reiner: I can fuck girls but I get along better with guys. 

I thought about bad psychology because his mother seemed to suck and he might be traumatized and think every girl suck... Because I know pretty badass and fun girls so... But I held my tongue. For once. We remained silent for a while. Actually, I started falling back asleep when he broke the silence.

Reiner: It's good you're with Armin now. He was too good for me.

I (couldn't hold myself): So is Marco.

Reiner: True, but you can't date both. 

He sighed.

Reiner: I was planning to break up properly once school is over. I'll be away. 

I: Don't worry, you'll start a new life. High school is a place to fuck up before succeeding. 

Reiner: You think so?

I: Not sure, Daria says college is just like high school but thinking that it's gonna be different after can help surviving through it.

Another silence. I just heard him say: « Sorry for the surrender jokes. » Then I fell asleep. I just woke up. It's 12 and he's gone. My bed smells like beer. 

* * *

 

Armin just called and told me that since we missed yesterday's party, the others didn't stay so long right after and we're going to the beach together today. HURRAY!

* * *

Hey Will, 

I'm with Armin. He's reading next to me. He stayed home after the party. And we totally didn't have sex in the room next to my mother's and...

Ok we did some stuff.

Stuff that fit my definition of sex. 

But no ass stuff so Reiner would say I'm still a virgin. 

The « party » before. Quick summary: it was great. Not too late, not too long, with just the right people and the sea! I showed them my good moves... at swimming because I rock in the sea! (A man of many talents!) (Okay in fact I'm not the best at swimming, if you consider Mikasa, Marco and even Ymir. On the other hand, Armin and Historia barely soaked their feet... and Connie and Sasha were goofing around and splashing each other. So I just raced with stupid Eren and Marco let us both win the race because he's a good mother to us.) Historia and Ymir were so ridiculously lovey dovey it was weird. Ymir's a marshmallow when she's a bit tipsy. Also she's got a GREAT body. Like not as GREAT as Mikasa and like... any girl is cute in the gang because it's the best gang... Anyway... Top notch abs for Ymir, Top notch pecs and arms for Mikasa.

I have a type I think... with girls I really appreciate muscles... while with guys it's not so important. In fact I think too many muscles would give me some complex. Like dating Reiner (urgh AS IF) would make me feel really awful about myself. 

Also I think I drank a bit too much. 

Who am I kidding? I barely drank. I think Eren drank too much but I'm also taking this excuse to explain my behaviour with the enemy. We were too close. Ambiguously close Armin said. 

So Eren drank too much. It was kinda his first time. But like... it was cool... nothing too hardcore, just a bit of beer. And after just one glass, he was like, being too close to me and talking about the fact that he didn't like me at first but that I wasn't so bad in the end and I was like: « yeah same for you... or me... » and then he said: « I really like _The Universal._ » 

Silly me: Yeah, Mikasa told me. I must say I really liked _Don't look back in anger._

Silly Eren: Oh right? You know what... I also really liked _Stereotypes._

Silly me: _Champagne Supernova_ is kinda cool. 

Silly Eren: You know, _Girls and Boys_ would be great if it had more than three sentences. 

Silly me: Yeah... and _Wonderwall_ would be great if the singer actually seemed to care about what he was singing and not just bored. 

Silly Eren: You're a good man, Joan Kirschtein. 

Silly me (laughing): Yeah... right, you too!

And then he hugged me very firmly, repeating I was the best and even attractive except for my long horse face. (Do I really have a horseface? I know I have a huge head but now I also have a horseface... Armin said I have a long face... not a horseface.)

Ymir brought her compact hi-fi stuff to listen to some music but we mostly fight over it because, frankly, the gang is great but some people have really shitty tastes (pointing at you Eren). And the fight was back on with the bastard. And then we realized we only wanted to dance so even the shittiest music would be great and Eren almost cried apologizing and we hugged again while Ymir and Historia were playing some sugary cheesy girly music (wasn't it the song where the girl repeated « kiss me » to another woman? See I totally knew it was a lesbian song).

Ok I drank a bit... I wouldn't have accepted so many Eren's hugs without drink (by the way it's Mikasa who was in charge for the beer... (underage drinking Booooh but I have an excuse, in France you can drink at 18!) (VOILA) I think nobody asked her any question when she bought it because, like... she just looks so mature and also the kind to punch you in the face if you think that SHE is underage). 

We all silly danced and I think Armin was the best because nothing is as cute and weird as him when he's really into it. He told me he would sexy dance for me in private but we haven't yet because my mother was asleep when we came back. She agreed earlier that Armin was staying the night. Don't know if Psycho Dad knows. Maybe Armin told him he was staying at Eren's place. Maybe Armin is just like... almost an adult or already an adult so it's not so bad. His father just sent the money to Eldia. He let his son go. Finally. We were in a mood to celebrate and since we're not so demonstrative even if we know the gang is cool with that, we were horny after having been so close without really touching. We started making out as soon as I closed the door behind us. His grip was firm and kisses were intense (lotta noises) (and tongue) (and excitement! OH OH). I knew something was on but like I wasn't sure so I whispered: « Hold on, wait till we reach the room. You won't do me on the table right? »

Armin was surprised but I added (still whispering because mom wasn't so far): « Erm... being gross... I just... what are we up to exactly? »

He: Oh... it's up to you... Maybe I'm wrong but you seemed eager to... go further?

I: How do you know?

He: I don't know? Weird body language? I'm just assuming maybe. You're not?

I: I totally am. 

He: I am as well. 

I: That's a good start. 

We giggled. Stupid. I switched on the light and got us some juice from the fridge. 

I (while pouring and looking down): So like... I don't have any condom because like... I was just thinking that it wasn't like urgent matter... I'm always thinking : I should buy condoms because... like... I have someone and maybe... Or just... 

He (laughing... but like not very loudly): Jean, we can start with something more simple... 

I: Like... erm... what do you think?  

He: Erm... we can just touch each other but without clothes. 

I: Man I'm gonna blow up the very moment you touch me. 

He laughed looking at me as if I just said something absurd and then we kissed again but we had to stop to go to my room. I turned on the light and Armin said: « you're ok with the light? » I didn't even think about that but since I didn't want to look like I was scared of he noticing my too big for my body cockhorseface head, I got rid of my T-shirt. And then I realized it was a bit sudden and Armin (blue eyes, definitely, I checked by the way) was staring and I was like: « Oh sorry, it's a bit... » he interrupted me by removing his own top as fast as he could. « Wow... » I said, which was very clear I think.

And then we rushed on each others like stupid horny teen beasts. It felt good. His skin I mean. And the fact that he kissed my neck down to my collarbone and torso and like... nipples are sensitive. I wasn't really aware of that before. Great discovery for Jean sex science! And my belly is sensitive as well... every inch of my body is under his lips. Probably because I was too horny. Then he was like (half kissing): « Sorry...  but we should lay because my knees and thighs are weak... I'm sor... » Didn't let him finish, I kinda (gently) rushed him on the bed and I tried to do to him what he did to me... and I was a bit overwhelmed and almost biting (but nervous enough to realize it might not be his thing but he started breathing more heavily and biting his lips like holding some... cries? … maybe not cries... not so soon... maybe holding his sounds... his noises)(And yay I was checking his face... which might seem a bit weird but I'm a beginner)). Then I was down to his pants and like, we shared a look and smiled like: « you know that I know that you know that it's gonna happen. » He asked if I wanted to turn off the light. I didn't know. Whatever. « Dude, I'm not afraid of your dick, I said. » He said: « Okay... I was just being a bit self-aware because I haven’t washed since this morning and it might smell so... don't get too close. » I laughed: « Maybe we should do this together. I show you mine, you show me yours. Ready? » He laughed: « Yeah? » We counted to three but obviously getting rid of pants socks and underwear took more time. He was very cute like... his hair all over his face, sitting with one arm around the knee and... yeah... dick right in the dick's place (and now I have a thought for Mr Zoe who suggested I write this diary and probably didn't expect me to write something as dirty as his novel (though my kind of sex is certainly not so perfect and hot and great as his)). I've seen dicks before... but not half erect because of me dicks. And then I was like « my he's only HALF erect I feel like about to finish already ». And suddenly I was self aware and weird because like... it wasn't so... intimate before? Like with my ex girlfriends we didn't take time to really look at each other and talk so much and laugh. 

I hesitated and then I said, being a bit shy all of a sudden: « maybe I should switch off the light... now... »

He agreed and waited for me in the bed. Then we kissed, first it was shy and then it was intense again. We laid down. I was on top and he seemed to enjoy it, grabbing my ass, scratching my back a bit (I like that) (I must say) (He asked if it was ok but I thought my heavy breath and noises I try to hold because MOM IS NOT FAR darn! were eloquent of the state it put me in.) (so I answered: yeah I like it). And then it started becoming a bit frustrating because like... we had contacts and I felt his dick (weird) (but great) and skin and warmth with mine but it wasn't enough. So he said I should just lay and he will take care of it and even though it wasn't full contact anymore, he kept kissing and biting and licking and all of this while his hand was around my dick and it was too much, like at some point I forgot to breath I think because I was dizzy. I felt the usual tension growing but I couldn't let go. I wasn't sure. It was frightening. I grabbed his arm. He asked if I was ok and I was like: « mmhmmh. But like... I think I'm gonna come. » He kissed my nose: « That was the idea you know. » And he kissed me again and then it was over. 

I felt so tired after that... I almost immediately fell asleep but like... I had myself's juice all over my belly and Armin had some on his hands as well so I had to find kleenex in my nightstand and almost fell off the bed and it was everywhere. « Sorry, that's gross, I said. » Armin laughed (too loud this time) « Being gross is part of the game I guess... » We agreed on returning the duvet. The rest is less glorious as you might notice Will. I tried to « give a hand » but he was too dry so it was a bit painful and I had nothing to help, I spit in my hands but like... he didn't climax anyway and I felt... I still feel a bit shitty about that but he said it wasn't a problem. « It's okay, Jean, it was great. It is great. Just hold me, we'll have time to try anything you want later. » I had hard time believing him because getting release is an important part of my sex life... It matters... but like... I think I might get it because everything else was also very nice and maybe if I had been the one not getting release it wouldn't have minded so much. 

Armin just asked me if I was writing about what we did last night. He said writing won't be of any help if we want to improve. My mother's working, I won't need to hold my sounds... So see you Will. Time to practice!

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Final Chapter! Huzzay! As always, thanks to goodguyjean for checking it <3!  
> 
> 
> \- Two bonus one shots are already written (extra stuff written by Jean and a chapter from Eren's point of view) but still, it's the END of the fic that follows the movie _10 Things I Hate About You_. The ending changed because Jean and Armin are just too good at communicating. No need to buy a guitare to be forgiven.  
> 
> 
> \- Maybe I'll add some drawing about this fic on my tumblr @mirandafandomette... be sure to suscribe? Also a friend drew some stuff between the Levi and Hanji from this fic (as a ship), I'll post it there as well. Also two things about them: it's only now that I noticed I've been adding a wrong "n" at the end of Ackerman... during all the fic. I'm sorry. I'll edit later. Also, the Hanji in this fic is a trans woman in the closet. 
> 
> \- I love poetry I swear but foreign language with a versification based on stress is hard. I checked the way words were stressed in English but still... it's probably an awful poetry to read :P. I'm sure Armin will improve though!
> 
> \- The new material we have about Reiner is the canon is GOLD material for au drama. I didn't have to create stuff, everything was already there.
> 
> \- First time! First person smut! That's very weird to write. I wrote a diary from 13 to 15 and I didn't have sex partners so I didn't tell anything about it. Do people write in full details about their sex lives in diaries? I wonder. I totally wrote in full details my first time to a few friends tho... but it's no diary, it was in e-mails and on msn. ANYWAY... Hope you liked it :D See you soon!


End file.
